Still here, just not as much

WoW has taken a back seat to real life lately. For the first time in over a year I missed getting an achievement title, but I got to hear my father refer to me as his little daughter one last time. The truth is, WoW has become a reason to sit down at the computer and rest my legs, but I don't have the passion for it I once did. At the same time, the events of the past few weeks have shown me how many friends I have made in this game.

I'm settling in to an acceptance that I am good, but I'm not elite. I was in an Onyxia 25 pug yesterday where I was the 9th highest dpser with 4k, but people didn't do what was necessary to stay alive. I made the comment in guild chat that the pug was so bad it made me look good, and one of the guys said, "Carol, you ARE good." I expected laughter, I expected commisseration, I did not expect to be told I was good.

There are times when I wonder if, when my schedule evens out, if I should find a guild with players at my ability level, that won't constantly push for hard modes but would have a raiding spot for me. Then I think about seeing guild chat without the friends I've come to love, and I say, "no, I'm here, just as long as they are."

WoW as a social outlet

A lot has been made of people who use video games as a way of avoiding social contact. Very few people talk about the fact that for some people, WoW is a way of maintaining human contact.

(Saying here what I can't say in game or in vent) I'm in a very dark place right now. My depression has always had a seasonal component, although last year I was spared, probably due to the fact that I was working and also had a lot of people around me online due to the new expansion. Whatever the reason, it was nice. This year, however, it's back with a vengeance and for reasons I didn't anticipate when I changed factions on the druid. I've learned that I have limited time left with my dad, and I'm starting to grieve already. Usually this would be a time when I would try to withdraw from everyone, but I can't let myself. I hang out, just to see how my friends are doing, and when I'm too quiet, reminders that I'm allowed to talk make me smile.

There have honestly been times when I've wondered why I'm still playing WoW, since I can't do hard modes. I still have fun doing normal modes, and working on achievements, but the most important reason is the friends I've made. I can hang out and be myself, and that is what I love.

You Can't DPS When You're Dead!

That old chestnut was brought home to me last night as I ran a ToC 25 pug with some of the guildies on the druid. When I first came in to CRC, especially as we were working on Archimonde, what I heard over and over was, "We don't care what dps you do, just don't die."
In Naxx, it became, "Don't worry about your dps, just don't die and don't kill anyone."
Over the past 15 months, I've gotten pretty good at learning to keep myself alive.
Last night, after a boss attempt, I peeked at the damage meter. I'm an addict, I'll admit it, but I always know where I am, because somebody's always watching. What I found in looking at Recount was that there were people below me in overall damage that had higher dps than me, for the simple reason that I keep myself alive. I don't rely on the healers to notice that I have low health if I can healthstone, pot, or lifebloom, and I don't go all out before the tank has threat.
Not every fight is a dps race. Sometimes a moderate, yet constant pace is enough to win. Think about that before you require 4k dps on your next pug.

Reinventing Myself

I get mentally restless easily, I'm not quite sure why. It may be because my brain is often so far ahead intellectually of what it can tell my body to do. Regardless of why it happens, I tend to find the need to change things up every few years.

The decision to retire the warlock from raiding was sort of made for me, but if I had been party to the discussion of the future of the guild, I probably would have made the same decision. I don't want to have to get a new guild used to me, I don't want to have to explain myself, and I am fully aware of how unique the first two GMs and the pre-Ulduar officers of CRC are. Of course, there's also the factor of my ever-changing work schedule and kids' activities getting in the way of raiding.

I'm finding myself playing the druid more and more, for several reasons. One is that there is more to do on her that I actually can do than there is on the lock. Another is that it is more enjoyable to hang out with a group of old friends, even if I'm not raiding with them, than hang around a dying guild waiting for an invitation that will never come, and even if it did, I'm not sure I would accept.

Tuesday night, I had logged on my druid, and had gotten in a group to do the heroic, so was on vent at raid time. The raid was one dps short, looking to Onyxia, ToC regular, and then move on to ToC heroic. I was debating whether or not to whisper the raid leader and offer my services when one of the guys said, "Let's get Carol in here and get this done." I love the way it's assumed I will come, which is definitely the main advantage of being with friends.

Anyway, we got through Ony, VoA, and most of ToC before another dps came on, and I stepped out, feeling very much wanted and appreciated. I'm also enjoying playing the boomkin, and it seems to work pretty well. Also, between raiding and heroic dailies, I had enough emblems of triumph to upgrade my gloves from tier 7 to tier 9! I'm still struggling with the hit cap, though. Don't quite know how to overcome that one, but I'm not noticing any misses, so I'm not going to worry too much.

A Day to Remember

A high school friend of mine asked everyone to share where they were on September 11, 2001. I will never forget, in the same way that I remember where I was when Challenger blew up, when the federal building in Oklahoma City was bombed, and the way my parents will never forget where they were when Pearl Harbor was attacked or when Kennedy was assassinated.

I was sitting at my desk at work, and my co-worker was talking to his wife. He hung up the phone, and said in a sad voice, "A plane crashed into the World Trade Center." I went to find my friend who had a radio at her desk, and then called Bryan to see if he knew. After the plane hit the Pentagon, I thought of my parents, who were visiting Washington, and my brother, who worked in northern Virginia. I spent a lot of time burning up the phone lines with my sister, just making sure everyone was okay (we had a family point of contact before the Department of Homeland Security was even formed). I remember the somber feeling that fell over the whole office area, and how surreal it was walking out onto the plant floor after that.

I remember hearing the stories of loss, and of heroism. I remember America mourning as a country, and coming together to try to heal. I remember the world standing with us in grief and support.

I will never forget 9/11/01, and I hope I never do.

Women have the cleanest minds; they keep changing them.

My friend Mark used to say that quite cynically when we were in college, but there's some truth to it. I tend to get very upset, especially when I'm tired or hurting, and then calm down later.

Yesterday was a crazy day - nothing like not being able to find your teenager for a half hour to put some silly video game issues into perspective. Oct had told me that the guild was probably going to do Ulduar with pugs, so I wasn't feeling like I had to log into the lock, however, when I got home after scouts, he was in trial of the crusader with his raid window open and I saw one open slot. Decision time: Do I get on a horde toon and ignore my guildies, or make myself available to a group of people who have made me feel unwanted? Added to that fact, the only televised game that my alma mater will have this year was on, so I had to decide if I wanted to watch the Wolfpack lose.

In the end, though, I told Oct to ask Larry if he needed me and logged on. It seemed like the right thing to do, and it would be nice to get a second piece of tier. First attempt on Twins, I stayed in affliction, since I had been running heroics. After that, I went demo. I found out something interesting about my dps in those attempts. Demonic Pact procs often enough that I do equal or higher dps as demo than I do in affliction.

After downing Twins, we got a few attempts in on Anub'arak. There is a sizable learning curve to it, but it was okay. I realized that I am still enjoying raiding, and despite all my challenges, I'm a good player. At the end of the day, talking to a friend on vent about what was going on in his life and sharing a little bit about my frustrations made me realize that this is where I belong.

The Tyranny of the "What If?"

I'm going to get philosophical, but it's better than the rages that Bryan doesn't understand and send him running to check the calendar.

Life is a mix of pleasure and pain, and WoW is no exception. I play a game that I enjoy, at a level that I enjoy (most of the time), with people I enjoy. However, there are frequent reminders of how different I am, and it's beyond my control.

Oct got his priest to 80 this week, and I'm getting to see how different it would be playing Kyrania if I didn't have CP by watching him. I'm starting to feel like I'm being compared to Oct again, and it hurts. As much as I love being guilded with him again, at times I wish he'd never come back. There are factors in marriages where one spouse is disabled and the other isn't that most couples never have to consider. When my husband declines to run something, and the group pugs someone rather than ask me, I feel immensely jealous.

A couple things have happened over the past week that have made me feel quite marginalized in the guild. It's leaving me feeling stranded, like there is nowhere I belong. I don't have the twitch and reaction time to run with the big dogs, and yet, I'm hardcore enough in my personality that a guild that doesn't have a lot of raiding discipline would drive me crazy. That's when the "what ifs" take over. What if I didn't have CP and could react to things fast enough? I listen to Bryan push buttons and wonder how he manages to cast so quickly and not get hung up on the global cooldown.

I know Bryan sees me hurting, and he's powerless to fix it. I'm sure it's been a relief to him when I've gone to Baelgun to level my paladin when I don't know how to deal with the pain without causing drama.

At the end of the wall of what if's, this truth remains: I am unique, and I have found a guild that has embraced that uniqueness. One of my friends told me last week, while trying to take the bite out of something that was said in my hearing, "I don't play with you because you're pro, I play with you because I like you." If that can't be enough, I need to stop playing altogether.

The End of an Era

With a few tears, I deleted my alliance character on Baelgun. I never play her, some of the people I made her to keep in touch with no longer play, and to many of the others, I am a distant memory.

I left Baelgun for Turalyon amid guild drama that I was blamed for, but someone else started. Granted, I could have handled things differently, but so could others. Live and learn.
Still, the finality of typing "delete" into the box wasn't easy. I may make a horde toon to say hi to a friend who plays over there, I don't know. Right now, I've been concentrating on my warlock, who is okay as demo.

I'm hitting a wall where I'm very discouraged in-game, similar to what I went through around February and March. The difference now is that real life is livable, and WoW has become less important, although the people I play with have not.

Although I'm grieving for friendships I have lost, I treasure the ones I have now. To be valued for who I am, not what I can do, is special.

PS: I now have a Blood Elf Paladin on Baelgun. Not level 10 yet, but I'm enjoying her.

Why, Carol, why?

Long maintenance today. Decided to stop procrastinating and completely redo my addons. I'm trying to make a more efficient UI for the lock, plus need a new addon to make managing eclipse easier on the boomkin. Yesterday after I respecced, a took a quick look at my character screen, thought haste was hit, and concluded that I was hit capped. It was only after Oct asked, "How can you be hit capped with no hit gear?" that I realized my mistake. Oops. Guess I'll be cutting some monarch topazes today and getting an icewalker chant on my boots. Still, I was able to get into a OS 25 pug and did 2021 dps on Sarth with a hit rating of 85. Hard to do leet dps when half your attacks miss, but it did give me an idea of what I can do once I get hit capped, especially since I'm not sure I did 2k on the last Sarth attempt on the warlock before the Ulduar patch hit.

Had an interesting conversation with one of my guildies a couple of days ago where he asked me why I would consider leaving the guild. It's hard to say, "because in other guilds, I wouldn't have to sit, and there are times when I feel like I'm holding the raid back when I'm in." I've said that pre-Ulduar, and gotten lectures about it. I'd be unhappy in a different guild, and I know it.

Anyway, the blog is where I say things that I don't want to say in guild because it could cause drama. My guildies and the leadership are free to read my blog, or not, and take it to heart, or not. This is where I share my frustrations, not only about the game, but about being disabled in America. Gaming brings out awareness of barriers and attitudes that don't always come to the forefront in real life. This isn't always a bad thing - the hurt that I kept buried deep inside fed a horrible cycle of depression that I'm finally feeling free from.

When I look at different guilds, that's all I'm doing. I don't regret joining CRC a year ago, and I hope that Dev doesn't regret inviting me and making me a raid member. Given that I've given him ample opportunity to say otherwise, I don't think he does.

Normal is a Setting on my Washing Machine!

Or at least it was, when I used to say that all the time. The truth is, normal is a statistical term, and a couple of things happened yesterday that reminded me of how much of an anomaly I am compared to the general population. Of course, in my household, having a developmental disability is just as normal as not having one, but we are unique here.

Because of the way my nerves and brain work, I don't always feel pain or discomfort the way other people do. This can lead to some things going unnoticed until other circumstances bring them to my attention. Nothing like having doctors and medical assistants look at you funny when you say you have asymptomatic infections. Hey, I have chronic pain. If I ran to the doctor for every little thing, I'd never get anything done. Also, I have a pretty good immune system, so it's never been a problem before.

Last night was the last scout meeting of the year, yay! So now after older son's awards ceremony next week, I will be available on Thursdays for the summer. Came home and the guild was on Freya. So, I logged into WoW and vent, and continued working on the Loremaster achievement. One of the raid members was having trouble staying connected, so Dem sent me a tell asking if I was up to coming in for General Vezax. Of course I said yes, then reminded him that it was my first time on the fight. Now the Vezax fight is a challenge for a few reasons. First off, replenishment and life tap do not exist. The only way to regain mana is to stand in something that hurts you. Secondly, there are shadow crashes that hurt you if you get hit by them, and there is an area of effect to them. Third, the fight takes place in one of the darkest rooms in the entire instance. Hello, visual processing problems. We got him down, but I failed on a couple of levels. First, I failed at staying away from shadow crash eight times. Second, I ran out of mana and ended up having to wand at the end of the fight. Still, I refuse to feel bad about my performance. I went in cold and I didn't have the advantage of learning the fight slowly like 22 of the other members did. I'll spend some time working on what I can to make things better.
After the fight, Dem sent me a tell confirming that I wanted to be treated like a normal raider before he pointed out in the dps channel that I had the highest number of failures. Pointing out my failures doesn't bother me - I need to know where I am in order to improve, and I will listen to anyone who thinks they can offer a positive suggestion. I'm not a normal raider, but treating me with kid gloves only accentuates that I'm "special".

An open letter to those with whom I game

Lil of InTheFringes highlighted an open internet letter, and gave an answer from the perspective of a nondisabled person, which I thought was brilliant. Still, this has been percolating in my mind to do, and she has inspired me. So here is a list of things that I'd like you to understand:

• I have good days and bad days. I don't always understand the reason for the bad days either, so if I can't make the Thaddius jump or stay out of runes when I could last week, don't ask me why, just be patient or replace me.
• Fatigue and alcohol make my issues worse. That's why I will let you know if I'm drinking, if you can't tell by my slurred speech. It's also why the end of a raid is so hard for me.
• I don't resent you for being nondisabled. I do not, however, want to hear it if you risk your amazing brains by engaging in dangerous activities without a helmet, eye protection, etc.
• I won't always tell you if I'm offended. We live in a culture where it is acceptable to make derogatory comments about disabilities. It bothers me when you do, but I'm not going to rock the boat or cause drama.
• I love it when you let me use self-deprecating humor. To me, that is the ultimate sign of acceptance, when I can joke about being brain-damaged with you and you don't freak out.
• My husband is my caregiver in real life at times, he's not when we are in-game. Please don't assume that we are talking about anything, or that I will accept help from him more readily than I will from you. There are also times when he just needs a break from dealing with my issues.
• It's easier for me to give help than accept it. Some of you have mastered the art of quiet insistence to get me to let you help me, and I appreciate it.
• If I'm asking for help, I really need it. It may just be advice, or it may be physical, but if I'm asking and you can, please do.
• I won't always ask to be included. I always appreciate when you include me though. Ninja-invites tell me that you trust me to do my job.
• I don't mind educating about my disabilities. If you have a question, ask.
• I don't want or need your pity. I do pretty well with what I deal with and a lot of it is due to the fact that people have pushed me to do as much as I could. Help me overcome barriers, but don't pity me.
• I admire and appreciate you, even when I don't show it. I am truly in awe of your abilities and your character. Thanks for being my friend!

Battle-scarred and Worn, but Still Fighting

"You know there ain't no coming back when you're still carrying the past." - Shinedown, Breaking Inside

Yesterday, I thought I was ready to come back to raiding. The guild unintentionally tested that by needing me in the raid late at night on the Hodir fight. I've been in all the fights except for Vezax, and Hodir is by far the hardest for me to manage.

It didn't go well, and I was rather quite snappish. I'm angry and hurt and I don't even know who to be angry and hurt at.

I chose the above quote because Oct's rejoining the guild and coming back into his own as a raider is bringing back fears that he will overshadow me again. As I processed the events of last night, I realized that so much of the anger that I want to direct at the guild and raid leadership has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the battle scars I carry with me.

As I once again had the thought go through my mind, "Why do I stay?" the answers came just as quickly:

• Monday night, Orbitz saying "what's wrong?" and the immediate expressions of sympathy and caring from the raid.
• Friends who are ready to jump in and help, but just as ready to sit back and provide support as I struggle through doing it myself.
• A raid leader who sees me for much more than raid statistics, and is willing to find ways of explaining encounters that I will understand. He's also very quick to find ways to diffuse my stress in a raid.
• The greatest gift anyone could have, understanding. There are so many people who have taken the time to get inside my head and understand me.
• Shoulders to cry on, hands to high-five, and arms to hug.

So I go on, realizing that a silly video game has exposed the best part of me and brought it to the forefront. To me, that means more to me than all the content I have cleared with Clan Redundancy Clan put together.

Can a Video Game Change Your Life?

"What's worth the prize is always worth the fight." - Nickelback, If Today was Your Last Day

We painted the bedroom Saturday. When I say we, I mean that Bryan and I worked together to do it. Our bedroom has a cathedral ceiling and some cutouts, so he did the painting that required a ladder and the initial cutting in, and I used a roller and brush on what I could reach from the floor. I don't do ladders unless absolutely necessary. I don't like heights, and losing my balance 5 feet up could have disastrous consequences.

When we were getting our old house ready to sell a year ago, Bryan wouldn't let me paint. When you are painting, involuntary muscle movements that are made worse by fatigue are a bad thing.

What's changed in the past year? A couple of things. One, I think my fine motor control is better, refined by having to move and avoid various ground effects. When I say I can avoid harmful AoE spells almost as well as a neurotypical person, I'm not kidding, and I think Dev would back me up on that. Another related thing is that my attention to visual detail has improved by having to pay attention to aforementioned effects. World of Warcraft, and particularly raiding, has become a form of occupational therapy for me.

I think one of the biggest changes that has happened since I joined Clan Redundancy Clan last July deals with the psychosocial component of being disabled. When you are used to running up against barriers and dealing with prejudice, you tend to expect it everywhere, and tend to not see yourself in a positive light. Sometimes those closest to you have the same perception of weakness as well. As I have raided with CRC and accomplished things that not everyone has, I have learned to see myself as a strong, capable person. As we have been raiding Naxx and especially Ulduar, my husband has been able to see that there is a lot I can still do.

As we struggle with Yogg (and I'm hoping that I'll be in on a Vezax kill soon), I wonder what else this video game will change in my brain. Until then, I'll enjoy my Epic room. More to come...

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

...is not an oncoming train!
Real life is starting to get better. Wednesday and Thursday we learned that, although my Dad's bone marrow is not sufficiently recovered from the chemotherapy to keep his blood counts up, the cancer is not growing, and may have shrunk (rereading that to check my grammar - if I'm wrong, one of y'all send me a tell, please). Things are moving along with my job, so hopefully I'll be ready to start soon, and I'm almost ready to come back to raiding.
The experience of stepping back and taking a break has been an interesting one. It's always a risk when you tell someone how extreme your reaction to an encounter is, like I did with the Hodir fight. I don't want Dev to constantly worry that I'm getting overwhelmed in the more movement and graphics-intensive fights. I learned to regulate my breathing during Sartherion with 3 drakes; I can do it again. Plus, since I've opened the door, I can say, "this is way too overwhelming, is there someone who can sub in." I doubt I'd do that though, it's like going to an amusement park with my family. I can not go on any rides and deprive Bryan and the boys of my presence, or I can go on a few that I don't think will be too much for me to handle, and deal with it the best I can.
Another thing that has made this break interesting is seeing the reactions of my guildies. When you are used to being treated like a liability, learning to see yourself as an asset isn't easy. I never realized that my being there had an impact on the mood of the raid until one of my friends said something, then one night, I saw it, and it hit me like a ton of bricks: this is what people have been trying to tell me since February. It's not a patronizing, "we'll keep you in even though you can't do the dps because we feel sorry for you and it makes us feel like better people," either. It's a geniune appreciation for who I am, and I appreciate them for the support they've given me.
Speaking of giving support, if you give blood regularly, you have the sincere thanks and appreciation of my family. If you don't, please consider it if you are healthy enough.

Sticking to my Principles and Finding a Balance

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to go into a 10-man VoA run. I was the 10th person, and right after I joined, a mage did also. Instead of asking for a volunteer to drop, or apologizing to the 11th person, the raid leader chose to tell all dps to whisper him their dps, and warned that anyone who lied would be booted. I dropped immediately, and the leader whispered me asking why. I'm sure I would have done more dps than most of the other people there, but I just wasn't interested in getting into an epeen contest, and that's what it felt like.

Oct is still adjusting to the shock of his guild breaking up, and going from raiding 5 days a week to only 3 days, and I think it's made him think about what a big part of our lives WoW has become. For me, it is a place to escape my pain and be able to connect with other people. Still, it is a time sink, and at times I do need to make myself pull back and do other things. It's all about the balance.

A tale of two raids

As I have reflected on Thursday nights events, my mind keeps going back to something that happened a little over a year ago, when the guild I was in was going through SSC, and I was still playing a holy priest.
We were working on Leo, and it wasn't going especially well. The priest class leader wasn't feeling well, so wasn't in the raid. First boss pull, I throw a prayer of mending, thinking I'd be okay, and pulled aggro. Battle rez, and die again to something. Raid leader decides to replace me over a druid that is a new recruit. Three lines of text about how sorry he is, how when we're a little farther along I'll be okay, blah blah blah. Spare me.
Class Leader's boyfriend, who happens to be main-tanking, wakes up his girlfriend to tell her what is going on. Tells from both class leader and Oct about how much it sucks. Oct especially talks about how he thinks the new druid should have been replaced. Yeah, sweetheart, that's going to calm me down.
The next day, I start a conversation with the GM about how being replaced angered me. Get pulled into vent with her and the raid leader where I'm told, among other things, that no other guild will make as many accomodations for me as she did, and that I shouldn't be making excuses.
I contrast that with my experience in CRC, especially Thursday night. When I'm allowed to struggle through a raid instead of being replaced, Dem is saying to me, "You have earned the right to be here and get the achievements for yourself that you have helped us get." Where before I was told, "We can't progress with you," here I am told, "We can't progress without you."
It seems strange to say that a video game can change your life, but WoW and CRC have definitely brightened my outlook.

Wipe my tears, Kick me in the butt

Lots of achievement work this weekend. I got exalted with all the alliance factions (new title: "Ambassador Carilock") and was able to sweet-talk some guildies into running heroic Occulus with me so I could get "Proof of Demise" (love and hugs to Prynts, Younger, Luna, and Alord). I mentioned that I still hadn't dueled anyone, and Tidefury rode up, challenged me, and in true little brother style, let me win.

In real life, Sunday was a lovely Mother's Day, although talking to my father-in-law made me miss my second mother and one of my best friends, but I can appreciate all she taught her older son, my husband. My mom was having a good day when I called, although watching age take its toll is hard. My guildies were nice enough to wish me a happy Mother's Day as well. I've always been a very motherly person, even as a child, and it carries over to my friendships.

So many things are positive right now, why do I feel so negative? Depression sucks, there's no two ways about it. I feel like I'm breaking into little pieces and don't know what to do next. In game when I feel like this, I get extremely quiet. I have one or two people I can let know that things are bad, but most of the time I don't.

When I get in a bad mood, or hit a difficult challenge, I tend to get whiny before I can suck it up. I titled this post the way I did because one of the most caring things that anyone can do for me is listen to me cry, give me sympathy, and tell me to do what I need to do.

The guild is in a good place right now. The addition of new members, plus some members coming back to raid status, means that we aren't having problems filling raids. Unfortunately, this means that hard choices have to be made.
I keep wanting to say to Dem, "Is this really what you want? Would it not be easier on all of us just to have me as a social member so you can invite me when you need me, and don't have to worry about asking me to sit?" And yet, I don't.
There are gains to be made, and as I make them, there is always the possibility that one day I won't have to be the one to sit. Until then, I am content, in my unique place in the guild.

Being There for Each Other

Two very awesome things happened yesterday. One is that I completed the daily to defeat four champions and the daily to defeat three vailiants in the same day! The other is that, with me on vent and in guild cheering them on, Clan Redundancy Clan defeated Mimiron! Grats guys, 11/14 Ulduar 3 weeks in.

I've been thinking about Dem's comment, that I'm feeling better about raiding, and in a way it's true and in a way it isn't. I feel better about my place in the guild and how much I can contribute, but what I have been saying for the past week about the physiological effects of raiding on me is also true. Dem's made it crystal-clear that the only way he will demote me to Social Member is for me to run a gauntlet of sorts, explaining to the guild that it is per my request, and then dealing with the inevitable feedback from the rest of the raiding core. At the same time, all is not lost. I can get over 3k dps on enough bosses that I don't feel like I'm being carried through content anymore.

Anytime we get new members in the guild, I wonder how they will react to me. It's hard for nondisabled people to differentiate between slow reaction time and not paying attention, and I always wonder if I will get yelled at for standing in something or not moving enough. I wonder if the question will come up, "What makes Carol special, that she gets to raid and doesn't get called on it when she takes more damage than she should?" I don't worry about the response to that question, but I don't want to see that kind of drama in guild.

I don't usually get called on stuff unless someone thinks I'm not seeing something, or my reaction time seems especially bad. Sunday I was having pretty severe cognitive problems, and one of the off-tanks whispered me asking if I was lagging. Bryan was due to leave for a trip the next day and I didn't want to worry him, so I was kind of a relief to be able to say, "Something's going on with my brain and I don't know what it is" to a friend. My bad days, like my disability, are an open secret. People notice, but usually don't say anything. My guild is a safe place for me, and I definitely appreciate it.

Being Comfortable in My Own Skin

I had a major accomplishment in-game yesterday. I was able to successfully duel four champions in the Argent tournament and complete that daily. I love dailies that take me over a week to do.

Had an interesting vent conversation Tuesday night that really got me thinking about the change in how I react to not being invited to raids. I used to be extremely anxious about whether or not I'd get an invite, and take it personally if I didn't. Various conversations with Dem, and especially his first comment on this blog, have shown me that I have a very unique and needed place in the CRC raiding core. Also, I'm not treated like I'm weak or sensitive in guild. It takes a lot of inner strength to do what I do on a weekly basis, and it is acknowledged, appreciated, and maybe even admired.

I think what I appreciate more than anything else that WoW has given me is the wonderful feeling that who I am is okay, that the cerebral palsy does not define me. I had that feeling when I was younger, but life managed to beat it out of me somewhat to the point that my husband said to me one day last year, "You are acting like a victim and this is not you! You are not the woman I fell in love with and I want that woman back." I am the take-charge woman that makes things happen again.

As I endured Dem's teasing, I realized that being open with my guildies has taken a lot of the shame about being disabled away. That is a definite win, no matter how you look at it.

Stop making me cry!

A couple of really cool things happened yesterday.
When 3.1 first came out and I showed my son the colorblind user interface, his face lit up. I mentioned in my AbleGamers status message that I wished the developers at Blizzard could have seen his face, and the Editor-in-Chief of AbleGamers offered to relay a message to his contacts over there. Yesterday, I got an email that I had a private message from Ioo. It was a reply from Nethaera, one of the Blizzard developers, thanking me for my comments. That blew me away. Development in any MMO is a never-ending task, and Nethaera does a lot with the community site, so I know he's busy, and the fact that he took time to send me a well-written, personal reply says a lot.
The main group that had been going into Ulduar went back in, and I was overlooked on the initial invites. Things like that are very hard for me not to take personally. Luckily, someone was on to whom I could say, "I'm feeling sorry for myself and I don't know if I need a shoulder to cry on or a kick in the ass." Sometimes all I need is to get that out, and I can talk myself out of the mood and move on. So I went to Azure Watch to collect eggs to get items for the Noblegarden achievements, when after a bit, I get a tell from Cinnas, "Wanna hop in, or are you busy egging?" I don't say no to raids, so of course, I went in.
I come in and ask, "Which boss are we on?" Cinnas says, "Mimiron." I say, "Oh, $#!*." Octaester's guild was on their third night on Mimiron last night, and hadn't downed him when I went in.
Mimiron is a very technically challenging fight. I love technically challenging fights. We didn't get him down, but got through the first two phases and saw a good bit of phase three. Yay us, and grats Conviction on finally getting the kill.
After raid, I went back to egg collecting, and got into a conversation with Cinnas. I said the above phrase after he made the comment, "I wish most of our raiders had your attitude, hell, I wish I had your attitude." I choose the attitude I display to the guild. Oct is the only one who usually sees the rage. I do that for a couple of reasons. First, I play with mostly men primarily in their 20's and 30's, and most of them are single. It is very easy for men to dismiss women as emotional, even if they make a good point. (Don't tell me you don't do it guys, you know better and so do I.) Second, I don't have the dps to make waves. If I start getting pissy with the officers any time I'm replaced, I'm going to see "You have been removed from the guild by XXXX" in yellow letters on my screen. Third, what I do is the right thing to do, for me and the guild.
Cinnas then proceeded to ask me how jousting was coming, and try to brainstorm ways of making it more manageable for me, and we got on the topic of the Hodir fight, where he told me that he thought I did well. I need to hear that. It's so easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that no matter how much I improve, I still suck at this, and I don't. I am improving, and the guild is a big part of that. Most players will not get down into the minutiae of dealing with a disability like cerebral palsy, and I appreciate all the people who understand that sometimes I need encouragement, and sometimes I need a fresh set of eyes looking at the challenge.
This morning, Oct and I were chatting about last night, and I made the comment, "I'm so glad you suggested I apply to CRC. Did you know it would be like that for me?" He said, "Oh yeah, it's a great guild. I just needed to raid more." I don't think they will ever understand how special they are, but that makes them even more unique.