No excuses

"I am entitled to overcome" - Creed, Overcome

A couple of interesting things happened this week. First, WoW.com featured one of the members of AbleGamers, Quadilious, in their 15 Minutes of Fame segment. Something about seeing the title "Quadriplegic player attacks progression raiding" hit me. One of the reasons, of course, was my feeling that a disability should not define a person. Yes, my disability is a big part of who I am, but if I ever caught one of my guildies referring to me as "the handicapped chick" or anything similar, the ensuing conversation would not be pleasant. Another reason is that Quad is so good, despite having to use adaptive hardware, that it puts me to shame.

The feeling that I'm hiding behind excuses and that there should be a way for me to be able to do endgame hard modes is a hard one to shake. At the same time, most of the guys I play with are in the computer field, and have been playing MMORPG's since EverQuest. If there was an easy way for me to work around my challenges, we would have found it. The sad reality is that Blizzard has used reaction time and coordination to differentiate the elite players from the nonelite. That leaves someone like me, who is extremely intelligent but has poor reaction time and coordination, out in the cold. When my former GM said, "If we were a hardcore guild, we wouldn't have Carol...in here dying," there was truth to it. That doesn't change the fact that I want titles, and I would love to have a red proto-drake and a rusted proto-drake. I don't see it happening though, and I don't want to make the guys feel like they have to pull me through content that is too difficult for me. I also don't want to put them in a position of telling me content is too difficult for me. There are a few of them that I can gently coax it out of without them feeling like jerks for saying it, and the discussions I have with them are valuable.

Last night, I got home, and the horde guild was running a ToC 25 pug. After a little bit, I got a tell, "want to come in, we're on twins and I hate to save you this late." I don't really like pugging with just anybody, I faction transferred to play with my friends, and so I agreed. It was extremely interesting - I saw over 4k dps on twins, which I was NEVER able to get on my warlock. Got to Anub, wiped once, and then got set to go again. During one of the burrow phases, I got targeted by the spikes. Now the trick to handling the spikes is to run them away from the raid, and put a patch of ice between you and the spikes, which both traps Anub for a second or two, and causes him to select another target. As I was running to the far side of a rather large ice patch, trying not to get the slowing debuff from actually getting ON the ice, I heard one of the guys say, "Look at you, running him all around so he will target fewer people." I was just concentrating on not running him into the raid and getting him in the ice, I didn't think about the fact that kiting him for a while really helps the raid. It's always nice when your performance is noticed because it's good, especially with a group of people who have watched you struggle.

Champion of Stormwind!

Every so often, I will decide that a quest or achievement is worth fighting for because of the gains available, or the similarities to raiding encounters. I decided that the Champion title was one of those things. It was not easy to get. Jousting requires a short reaction time and it was hard for me not to give up. Two things work in my favor here: (1) I'm stubborn, and (2) I have the support of my guild behind me. Thank you especially to Cinnas and Tidefury, for your advice and encouragement.
Something happened yesterday that shook me to my core, and at the same time made me realize just how special the people of Clan Redundancy Clan are. AbleGamers posted an article on Halo and accessibility, and it generated a firestorm of response from the XBox gaming community. I really don't want to dignify them by posting the bigotry and hatred here, but Mark Barlet's response that the disability community is easy to join was epic. After reading them, I was so angry, I just was ready to lash out at the first nondisabled person I saw (not a good idea when you're married to a nondisabled man). Instead, I logged on to WoW, and saw the people that understand that this is more than a game to me. As I explained to our newest guild member, who read my blog to try to understand the guild a bit better, my disability is not a secret in guild. I'm not sure how many of the guys truly understand what I deal with, but they know that I am not the typical gamer. As I laughed at their jokes, listened to how their day was, answered questions about Noblegarden and the like, I was reminded that there are good nondisabled people that really care. They restore my faith in humanity.
Special Note: Check out the World of Warcraft community site to see the link to Steve Spohn's article on the colorblindness UI interface, and a nice explanation of what AbleGamers is all about!

Getting Support from Your Guild

Tuesday's comments really made me think, especially the one from Soundbow. I've had different levels of choice about what to reveal about myself to the guild and its leaders (my husband, in a misguided attempt to protect me, has taken that choice away from me a couple of times - that's created some real life arguments). I've thought about my journey as a player for almost 3 years, and as a raider for almost two, and have come up with some ways to get support that I think are effective.

1. Do your homework. The only hand-holding I expect is to be told, "You can do this." I look at WWS/WMO reports like a madwoman, and I bounce things off of Flip and ask him questions constantly, but I don't expect him to tell me how to play my character. The forums at http://www.elitistjerks.com/ will tell you how the best of the best play your class, and give you a good starting point.
2. Let someone analyze your play, spec, gear, and glyphs, and do the same to them. I started asking Flip a simple question about seeing Shadowflame in the WMO report from the razorscale fight, and he ended up reminding me to pick up a couple of new glyphs, then told me where I'm leaving dps on the table. I know several very elite players, and they all love to talk about how to pwn at their class.
3. Share your challenges, swallow your excuses. The first time I did Bloodboil in BT as a discipline priest, I had trouble targeting the right person for pain suppression in time. One of the raid members said, " Make a macro /assist Gurtogg Bloodboil." It worked wonderfully. On the other hand, if your raid members are paying attention to not only what they're doing, but watching you, excuses won't work, so don't try.
4. Learn from your mistakes. Constructive critcism is your friend. Especially in new content, it takes time to get it right. There is no one who can't learn from others.
5. Tell your guildies what you need. One night on Archimonde, when Oct was still in CRC and I was still relatively new, I was healing the melee, where there wasn't much room to run. I realized that I was going to have a hard time avoiding the fires, and said so to Oct. He told me, "Let Dev know." Sent a tell expressing me concerns, and he replied, "Do I need to move you?" I said, "you might," and he did.
6. Know who to listen to and who not to. There are people in this game that can't see beyond themselves, and the advice they give is what works for them. If it doesn't work for you, take it with a grain of salt.
7. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be able to do. You know the challenges you face and what you need. If there is something simple that the raid leaders can do that will increase everyone's chances to succeed, they should be doing it.
8. If all else fails, find another guild. Leaving a guild is never easy, but if you are not in a guild where you are supported, you will be miserable. Sometimes it takes a little digging to find the right guild, but it can be done.

Changing Roles (Maybe)

10-Man Ulduar went pretty well Saturday night. I got a sweet new sword, and actually was able to do 2.5k or greater dps on most of the fights. After the run was over, I was still on vent and I logged on to AbleGamers to see if there was anything new. What I saw was my article featured at the top! In a very excited voice, I told Orbitz about it on vent, and piqued the curiosity of the four other guildies still in the channel with us. I gave them the address and pointed out the article. Seeing the reactions of the AbleGamers community, my husband, and my guildies has been the best part of writing this article. Of course, getting it picked up by three other websites was pretty cool too.
Yesterday afternoon, I was logged into the game, but took a few minutes to talk to my mom on the phone. When I walked back, I scrolled up and saw that Dev had announced that we are recruiting for a resto druid. In the past, I would have seen this as an opportunity to keep my raid spot, and tried to switch to not be replaced as much. I've had a very significant paradigm shift this past week. The realization that I am wanted for so much more than my damage or healing output is both powerful and humbling.
About 40 minutes before raid start, Dev logs on and invites me to the raid. I send him a tell that I don't want to bother him while he's getting ready for raid, but there is something I would like to talk to him about . He asks me what's up, and I explain that I'm wondering if it would benefit the guild for me to play my healer. After a short consultation with Bast and the other officers, he said, "Switch over, let's try it out."
It went okay. We got Deconstructor down, which I'm not sure we could have done with my lock, considering either Squigs or Younger would have had to heal, and they do huge amounts of dps. Looking at the healing meter and WoW Meter Online, I have a lot of work to do. Then again, I haven't done much on the druid since the patch, and druid healing has changed. Off to ElitistJerks.com to see what they have to say about it.
What the future holds for me, I do not know. The effects of the cerebral palsy will be a liability no matter which class I play, the only question to answer is which role is going to best benefit the guild.

The Keybinding Trial

"you think that your the only one who doesn't have to try, and you won't have to fail. If you're afraid to fight, then I guess you never will." - 3 Doors Down, "It's the Only One You've Got"
Lots on my mind this morning. Had a few starts and stops in my writing over the weekend. I put a lot of thought into this blog, and do my best writing when I'm sitting alone listening to my mp3 player in a quiet house. 3 Doors Down especially inspires me.
Well, I gave in and decided to try keybinding. Something about my buddy not letting the issue go, especially when it's obvious he understands at least some of the challenges I face, convinced me to give it a fair shot.
I set my keybinds up Saturday afternoon, and began the painful process of retraining my brain. One of the things I love about playing with elite gamers is that they understand things like training your brain and muscle memory that generally only physical and occupational therapists understand.
Saturday evening, I took the warlock into a 10-man Naxx with mostly guild alts. I let everyone know what I was doing, partially because I'm a girl, and partially because they needed to know why I was irritable and making mistakes that I wouldn't ordinarily make. The hardest thing for me right now is using the mouse for turning. That will get better with practice, and I think I'm seeing some gains. Yesterday, on a 25-man Sartherion pug, I did 4k dps on Shadron. I topped the meter on a couple of 10-man Naxx fights Saturday and Sunday night. All in all, it's going better than I thought it would.
The crew of AbleGamers.com was at GDC '09 this past week, and decided to ask the people who make the games that we all love to play, "Have you ever thought about how disabled people play games?" You can see the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z7-pd5gWBY&feature=player_embedded and answer the question for yourself.

Feeding the Ego

Last night was a fun time of Wintergrasp, heroics, and 10 mans. Whenever anyone asks for interest, I offer dps or heals, because it really doesn't matter to me which I play. I think I'm a better healer than a dpser, and the only person who will admit to disagreeing with me thinks that I could get more dps out of keybinding. I do enjoy doing both, and am always looking for the extra practice and edge which will get me to consistent 3k dps.
Anyway, it's well known in the guild that I run a meter all the time, to the point of almost being psychotic about it. I do it for me, for improvement. Anyway, we were clearing 10 man vault trash, and I get a tell from one of the guys who is on his alt, "How's my dps looking?" I tell him he's third, right behind me. "We'll see what happens when we get to the boss." I decided to take this as a challenge, which was kind of fun. I stayed in the top 3 damage for vault trash and 10 man OS. I also healed my first heroic Utgarde Pinnacle, and heroic Violet Hold.
I love being able to top the dps meter. I love seeing how much of the damage pie I can get when I'm not up against some of the top damage dealers on the server. It's good for my ego to know that although I will always struggle to crack the top 5 in 25-mans, I don't fail.

Baby Steps are Still Steps

Yesterday I was still recovering from the weekend, so I was on WoW more than I had intended. I ran CoT:Strat on the lock in both heroic and regular modes to help some guildies out. I've changed the way I play the lock a bit. Boom made the suggestion a while back that I switch to using the mouse rather than pushing buttons. Bry and I both thought that using the mouse for everything might be a bit hard, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. I realized while working on the target dummy one day, though, that it is quicker to click that to push buttons. What I've done is to make a 3 by 3 matrix on the right side of my screen using bartender for my spell rotation, and use my left hand for movement, targeting, and some aoe spells. That way, I get the control of movement from the wasd keys and the speed of clicking with the mouse.
So, there we were in heroic strat, on the second boss. After it was over, I looked at recount to check it out:
Me (on vent): Any of you guys running a meter?
Guildies: No, but the pug druid is.
Me: My meter says I did over 3k dps for that boss!
I feel much more positive about where I am and where I can go now. It's really a game of inches to get enough dps to move on with my guild. Most importantly, I'm no longer questioning what they see in me, because I'm starting to see it also.

Glimmers of Hope

"Hope is a Thing with Feathers: - Emily Dickinson
I was worn out yesterday. Saturday, I spent a good part of the day clearing dead, diseased, and overgrown climbing roses out of the garden, so I can put some perennials in once we are beyond danger of frost. I'm slowly making our new house into a home where we feel comfortable. Saturday night into the early morning, I healed for a pug Naxx 10, and got about six epics. Once the adrenaline wore off, I was able to sleep, but still was up by 9 am.
Yesterday afternoon, I was running around on the druid, levelling engineering and waiting for a guildie to come on and run heroics, when I got a tell from the guy I pug Naxx with asking me if I'm in for 10 man Malygos. Now, when I'm tired, it shoots my reaction time all to hell, and I didn't survive the fight. This gave me an opportunity to study the affliction lock, whose dps was low for his gear. A quick study of his castbar showed me that he didn't put up enough dots, and had several seconds where he wasn't casting. That confirms for me what I'm seeing in my own play. I know where the challenges are, now I just have to overcome them.

My return to raid healing

Last night, there was a PuG trying to finish 10-man Naxx that needed a healer. The raid leader was one of my husband's guildies on an alt, so I whispered him. We'd already tried to run on Saturday night, so he knew I was undergeared. It went surprisingly well, except for the fact that my mana regen sucks, which is entirely gear-related. My husband came in for the last two bosses on his warrior, and at the end of the night, the raid leader said to him, "Your wife did very well." Considering my husband is in one of the top alliance progression guilds on the server, I felt very good about that.
This brings up an interesting dilemma. Whenever I can get myself fully epiced out, will I be a better healer than I am a dpser? If so, will changing mains be good for the guild, or just good for me? I don't want to be the person who is constantly changing toons and always needing runs or loot. I do know, however, that I don't have what it takes to run Ulduar on the lock at this moment, and I don't know if I can get there.

The Champion in Me

"I know I, I was born to be this way. Every day I try, and I'll do everything that it takes to become the one I've always wanted to be. Watch right now and you will see the champion in me." - 3 Doors Down, "The Champion in Me"
I've always enjoyed a challenge. I think that's why I enjoyed swimming so much, and I know it's one of the reasons I like WoW. Being able to overcome the roadblocks that life has put in my way is extremely gratifying.
I ran an instance with my shadow priest last night, and was surprised at how high my dps was, until I remembered that she is my toon that cleared Hyjal and all of BT except RoS and Illidari Council. I'm enjoying healing on the druid, and think I do pretty well, for my gear.
I thought that by the time I was able to get the Twilight Vanquisher title, I'd have the dps to do Ulduar. That hasn't happened. For some reason, I can't cast SB fast enough, even spamming it. I've come to a decision, though. If the officers can handle sitting me, I can handle staying a Raid Member, being prepared for raids, and then stepping out when I need to. Who knows, maybe there's an answer out there somewhere for me.

The Destruction Experiment

I don't normally talk about playing a warlock here, because my issues are there no matter what class I play, some classes are just more adaptable to the effects of CP. However, in my quest to get ready for Ulduar, I spent this weekend thinking about whether the affliction warlock is the best class for me. Deep affliction has a great dps potential, but it is complicated. I asked one of my guildies who plays several toons if there is a class that doesn't depend as much on reaction time. He thought a mage might be better for me, as there are fewer buttons to push. I ran this by my husband, and he agreed (and he couldn't have said something when I was frustrated with the priest?).
Before I pulled my level 35 mage out of the role of designated bank toon, I decided to experiment with destruction, which is similar in play to a mage. I armoried a lock in my husband's guild who does very high dps, modified his spec to suit me, and asked his advice on spell rotation. Then, after getting Dev's blessing, I took the plunge and headed for the target dummies. I learned two things: (1) it's easier to keep up dots than keep track of cooldowns, and (2) if I switched my corruption and shadowbolt keys on the action bar, I can spam shadowbolt more efficiently. I'm back to affliction, but I'm noticing better and more consistent dps with the new configuration.
Will these changes give me 3.5k dps on drakes? I don't know. What I do know is that my warlock is better than my priest (thanks for the talk, Scott) and that the Sarth encounter with 3 drakes up is the best sensory integration therapy you can get for 15 bucks a month.

Looking to Ulduar

Well, yesterday was an emotional day to say the least. Turns out, my dad's surgery was postponed until possibly Tuesday to deal with some issues related to his bloodwork.
The big news in the World of Warcraft is that patch 3.1 will be released to the Public Test Realm soon, and there will be much rejoicing and testing on the part of the high-end raiding guilds.
For me, however, the prospect of Ulduar brings a mix of excitement and trepidation. Excitement because it totally sounds like fun (siege vehicles in an instance! hard modes!), trepidation because despite all my hard work, I'm still not ready.
The questions flood my mind: Will I ever have the dps to do Ulduar? At what point do I ask to be demoted from Raid Member to Social Member? How do I approach those questions with the officers without seeming whiny, or like I'm looking for sympathy? Am I really in over my head and fooling myself that I can raid at this level with cerebral palsy?
The ultimate question remains: What do I need to do to get ready for Ulduar? I know my problem lies in dps time; comparing warlocks in WWS makes that perfectly clear. I'm confident that analysis of the combat log will show my the problem, it's the solution that I'm not sure about.
Two things I know: I will not leave my guild, and I will not go into Ulduar if I cannot bring it.

A Raid Saga

Last night was my guild's first attempt at Sartherion with 3 drakes up, and since it was on a night that I didn't have to play Mom's taxi, I got to go. Bear in mind that I have only seen Sarth with 1 drake once, and have only killed him without any drakes.
To say that the fight was a sensory overload was an understatement. The intense colors, sounds, and flashing warnings were overwhelming to me. I died to firewalls or void zones on my first 3 or 4 attempts. The next attempt, I lived until the MT died which, in my world, is huge.
After that, our main healer came online and I had to be replaced. I wish I could say that when I got the tell, I happily left in very good spirits. I didn't; I was angry and feeling like I was slowly being pushed out as a raider, and I expressed my disappointment at being replaced just when I was starting to get it to my GM/Raid Leader. Dev's reply was, "Keep fighting, girl, you'll get it." If anyone wants to know why I stay in a guild where I so obviously don't belong from a dps standpoint, this is why.
So I signed off vent and went back to working on getting the permanent Peddlefeet pet :-(, and leveling jewelcrafting, which I dropped tailoring to pick up (32 SP gems FTW). A little while later, I noticed that a raid member dc'd and didn't come back on. I had shed my tears and calmed down, so I got back on vent and flew to Wyrmrest, deciding to do the daily and get some gold, if nothing else. I guess when I logged onto vent the officers decided it was safe to ask me to come in, because I got a tell from Boom asking me if I would come back in. I did, for one attempt, then someone else logged on and I got to leave again, this time, not quite as unhappily.
As I left the instance and did the daily, I got a tell from one of the guys in the guild telling me he saw me leave, come in, and leave again, and appreciated what an awesome sport I was to do it. I needed to hear that from someone I don't normally talk to unless we're running something, and I never confide in. I needed to know that my guildies did not see me in a negative light.
As I told Boom last night, I rolled a Warlock to be the answer to my difficulties. I'm so frustrated that I'm still having problems with it. After speaking with him, I decided to try learning to control my movements entirely with the mouse, and use the gamepad for casting. Self-buffed, using the gamepad on the target dummies, I was up to 2400 dps, which is what I should be doing. I just need to figure out why it isn't translating to running instances and raiding.

Epic Flight Form quest

I was inspired by Thornstar to do the epic flight form quest on the druid. I'm almost to the point where I'm ready to run heroic Setthek Halls, but I am so tempted to give up!
There are so many things you have to do to get the Essence of the Hawk and I worry that I have neither the reaction time nor the coordination to do it. Could I ask one of the other druids to decurse me and cure the poison? Sure. Would they do it? Of course. Is there a benefit to me gritting my teeth and doing it myself? Absolutely. Okay, maybe not the gritting my teeth part, but still.
If I can't do this quest, how do I expect to maintain a spot in one of the top Alliance raiding guilds on the server? More importantly, doing these quests will help me play my warlock better, which will make it more likely that I will be a solid contributor in Sarth with 3 drakes, Ulduar, and beyond.
More to come...

Getting past a hurdle

Last night in Naxx, I was consistently doing over 2500 dps in boss fights, which is decent, but not as high as I want. After watching Flip and looking at recount and WowWebStats, it's obvious that I'm not hitting shadowbolt as much as I should be. With practice, that will change.
With that said, here are some questions to ask when you hit a challenge:

1. Are my most important stats maxxed? If you are dps and you are not hit capped, you are wasting your time trying to improve anything else. The same could be said for tanks and both defense and hit.
2. Are there gear improvements I can make outside of raiding? Look at rep and badge rewards, as well as quest rewards. Make sure what you have is gemmed and enchanted.
3. What are others doing that I am not? Use the tools you have available, including watching the other person's castbar if you can. If all else fails, ask. Most players will be thrilled to hear that you've noticed how good they are, and will tell you what they do.
4. Are there addons or peripherals that would help me? I bought my gamepad at Younger's suggestion when I was asking him about an issue I was having with tab-targeting.

Raiding with a disabilty is difficult, but so is everything else. Above all, have fun with it!

Hitting the wall

As a competitive medium-distance swimmer in high school, I am very familiar with the term "hitting the wall". It's used for the moment in a race where you feel you can go no farther, and you have to reach deep within yourself to keep going.
It's starting to feel like every time I take two steps forward, I take one step back, and I don't know why. Flip tells me I just need to get more comfortable, and that may be it. As I get better and more comfortable, I'm doing more in fights, and that will affect my dps.
The biggest worry I'm confronting is if I belong in a raiding guild. As I look at CRC, I realize that history will not completely repeat itself, that sometimes being in a guild is just about friendship and support, and sometimes the process is as enjoyable as the results.
Time to push off the turns and keep going!

How much to tell?

One of the biggest questions for me to answer for myself was how much I needed to tell guildies, especially raid leaders, about my disability. What do people need to know? What can people handle hearing? The truth is, even though we have made a lot of strides since the 1970's and 80's, there is still prejudice, and sometimes people think you are making excuses or looking for pity.



I applied to my current guild because my husband was in it, they needed a shadow priest, and my guild's raid times no longer fit my life. The guild was progressing through Black Temple (not the best place to have brain lag), so my husband did inform the GM that I have trouble with reaction time. As I raided through Hyjal and BT, some of the effects of the CP became obvious, and I learned to be open about them and accept suggestions.



My internal guidelines for what and how I share:

1. Is this an excuse or a challenge? If I stand in a fire, poison, or a void zone because I'm not paying attention, the raid leader is rightfully going to see who else is on and replace me. If I'm having a hard time seeing red fissures on an orange background, I need to adjust my settings.


2. Am I doing everything I can to learn about this fight and my role in it beforehand, so I can anticipate and perhaps mitigate challenges? One of my biggest win moments came when I put down a summoning circle to get myself out of harm's way during the Malygos fight. My fellow warlock tried it and discovered that it is possible to teleport out of vortex.


3. Am I sharing this to get pity or help/support? Pity is counterproductive. If people pity you, they won't push you to get better, they won't be as likely to offer suggestions, and, above all, they won't respect you. My guildies know that I am feisty, stubborn, and love to see mobs go down.


4. Do I work outside of raiding times to overcome challenges? I asked guildies to group with me so I could work on running past the frogger slimes in Naxx. I can successfully do it with the same success rate as a neurotypical person. I also tried to get into Thaddius's room to try to jump the platform, but the mobs guarding it respawn.

The last thing I will say is that a positive outlook works wonders. Remember the quote by Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can't or think you can, you're right."