A tale of two raids

As I have reflected on Thursday nights events, my mind keeps going back to something that happened a little over a year ago, when the guild I was in was going through SSC, and I was still playing a holy priest.
We were working on Leo, and it wasn't going especially well. The priest class leader wasn't feeling well, so wasn't in the raid. First boss pull, I throw a prayer of mending, thinking I'd be okay, and pulled aggro. Battle rez, and die again to something. Raid leader decides to replace me over a druid that is a new recruit. Three lines of text about how sorry he is, how when we're a little farther along I'll be okay, blah blah blah. Spare me.
Class Leader's boyfriend, who happens to be main-tanking, wakes up his girlfriend to tell her what is going on. Tells from both class leader and Oct about how much it sucks. Oct especially talks about how he thinks the new druid should have been replaced. Yeah, sweetheart, that's going to calm me down.
The next day, I start a conversation with the GM about how being replaced angered me. Get pulled into vent with her and the raid leader where I'm told, among other things, that no other guild will make as many accomodations for me as she did, and that I shouldn't be making excuses.
I contrast that with my experience in CRC, especially Thursday night. When I'm allowed to struggle through a raid instead of being replaced, Dem is saying to me, "You have earned the right to be here and get the achievements for yourself that you have helped us get." Where before I was told, "We can't progress with you," here I am told, "We can't progress without you."
It seems strange to say that a video game can change your life, but WoW and CRC have definitely brightened my outlook.

How bad do you want it?

Four alliance guilds are chasing after a Yogg-Saron kill this week, and a few of them are getting close. CRC should be able to get Vezax down this week, if we all pay attention and work hard. I think a lot of the guilds working on the Descent into Madness bosses are seeing some conflicts regarding members being prepared for raids. To those guilds, I ask, "How bad do you want it?"
I want to see CRC kill Vezax and Yogg, whether I'm in the raid or not. I know we have the people to do it.
It's so different being in a guild where my efforts are noticed and appreciated. I just wish that I could see the same return that others do.
So, what do I do to prepare for raids?

1. Look at strats, especially if one is recommended by someone else in the guild. StratFu and TankSpot appear to be the top places to go for Ulduar raid videos. I can't say enough nice things about the work Fusion does, as long as they are not killing me in Wintergrasp.
2. Make sure I have what I need. Feasts, flasks, pots, and shards are necessary equipment for me. If I'm doing Hodir, I need my frost resist. Even when our healers are better geared, I really don't see me being able to survive the fight without it.
3. Be on time. Invites go out at 6:30 pm and I'm there, ready to hop on a griffon. I know there are people who don't get out of work until later, but they are always ready to go as soon as they log on, and it is greatly appreciated.
4. Make sure my addons are up to date. These are the tools to help you succeed, and the developers update them whenever they see something that needs to be changed.
5. Speak when I need to, but know when to be quiet.
6. Don't whine in raid chat EVER. Dem has my permission to /gkick me and not invite me back if I fall into that trap.
7. Participate in post-wipe discussions IF you have something useful to say. And yes, "I'm sorry I stood in a rune" is useful. It lets your guildies know that you know what you did, you understand the impact of it, and you will try to keep it from happening again.
8. Be willing to take constructive criticism. Also, if you are in a position to give it, keep it constructive.
9. Have fun!

I refuse to cut myself some slack!

So, I was chatting with a couple of my guildies today, and in two separate conversations, at different times of the day, Thursday night's raid came up. One of the things I mentioned was that no one called me on how many times I died to standing in runes. The response from both of them was "cut yourself some slack". I love these guys, I respect these guys, but I can't do it. One of them talked about how little I'd seen those fights, but I'd been in them before, and I've survived those fights before. There is no excuse for me not seeing them and moving.
I think some of the reason it bothers me when people tell me to cut myself some slack is that it reminds me of the tendency of nondisabled people to be patronizing when it comes to the effects of my disability. I remember when I was in elementary school and we would have to run the 50-yard dash (yes, I could run, and I still could if the years of trying to pass weren't taking their toll). It seemed that no matter what my time was (and it was always several seconds behind the other kids), the response I would get was, "That's good, for you." I always felt that they were saying, "If it was my time I'd be upset, but it's good enough for the handicapped girl." It just feels like a double standard, and I hate double standards.
One thing that each of them said, and I do appreciate it, was how much other people were failing also. Well, what's their excuse? I know I can avoid the painful runes and stand in the ones on Iron Council that increase my dps. I know how to do that and I've done it before. If I can't avoid a one-shot where I have warning, what right do I have to be there? If I can't contribute to the kill, I'm letting my guildies down, plain and simple.

Raiding as a Social

I couldn't write yesterday, I was too upset. Wednesday afternoon I was driving my son into the city for an appointment, and I got a text from my sister letting me know that my dad's red blood cell count was low, and he was in the hospital for transfusions, steroids, and antibiotics to combat an infection. My dad has lived with leukemia for 30 years, and anytime he is sick, there is always the worry that he won't be able to fight it off. After exchanging texts with my sister assuring me that I wasn't needed, I was able to fight the urge to pack my bags, kiss my husband and kids, and drive down to Mom and Dad's. It did, however, confirm for me that going to the rank of Social Member was the right decision.

My decision to be demoted has been met with love and support, and people telling me to come back to Raid Member soon. The primary reaction, especially from those closest to me, has been, "If this is what you need to get through this time, I support you." Amid all the stress and pain, a friend from AbleGamers made a death knight on Turalyon and joined the guild. It really brightened my spirits to have him here.

As I said before, yesterday was difficult. I was managing to do housework, and I was on WoW trying to do dailies, but I couldn't concentrate. One of the guys recognized that I was trying to keep myself busy and not accomplishing much, and sent me a tell asking to run heroic Setthek on my druid for the Raven Lord mount. Once we got on vent, he gave me a chance to talk about what was wrong and cry on his shoulder a little bit.

When I got on WoW after scouts last night, I was the 25th guild member on, and they were fighting Freya. I flew to Ulduar while they were downing her, then sent Dem a tell, "I'm right outside if you need me." Went in and downed Iron Council, despite dying to a death rune. Gotta love failing to move out of something when you see it in large blue type flashing across your screen.

As we were setting up for Mimiron, Flip asked me to send him my damage meter since I was in. Well, I got the report set up to show my damage, but forgot to check "whisper" and type his name. Default is /s, so I spammed the raid with it. I said, "oops, meant to send that as a tell" and I immediately got demoted. I said, in vent, "The real question is, what do you promote me back to?" You can see his answer here. Laughter is good for the soul, and my guildies find ways to lift my spirit without making me feel like I have to cheer up to make them feel better.

Mimiron did not go well at first. I died to rockets twice, and I have no idea why I didn't see the runes. I've not killed Mimiron on heroic, and I need him for the Keepers of Ulduar achievement, yet when another raider signed on, I gave Dem a nudge to bring him in and sit me, even though he would have let me stay. I appreciate being a part of the raiding core, but at some point, replacing me for someone who (a) isn't probably going to stand in runes, and (b) has the ability to self-resurrect, makes sense.

The thing I came away with last night was that I did not feel marginalized, and I hope that I proved my point that I'm not abandoning my guild. Being a social member takes some of the pressure off, and I appreciate Dem for letting me do it.

The Siege of Ulduar!

New start to the raid week, and two new achievements. We went in as a raid and won Wintergrasp, then defeated Emalon the Storm Watcher. First time for me in heroic mode, and 3.6K personal dps. Stepped out for Ulduar so we could get more dps in, and went off to do dailies. One of our members was having computer trouble, so I subbed in for Ignis and Deconstructor. I got into the instance and was getting myself buffed when Dem did the ready check. I'm proud of myself, I hit no. I said, "Guys I have never ever been in on this fight, but I have read about it. What do I need to know?" Got all set and said, "Let's go."

We wiped once, but then got him down. I was so happy, and got a new wand. Deconstructor went off without a hitch, although it was extremely difficult for me and I went out of healing range once when I got light bombed. I am pretty good at using my tricks to heal myself though, and as a warlock, I have plenty.

Last night's events were particularly sweet because it was my last night as a Raid Member of Clan Redundancy Clan, at least for a while. Dem finally understands that it's no longer about trying to protect him and Boom, I know they have broad shoulders and can handle asking me to sit. It's that every time I'm asked to sit, I'm reminded of where my deficits are. That is incredibly stressful at a time in my life where the stress already seems overwhelming.

This morning, Dem demoted me to Social Member, and I explained it to the guild in a forum post. It doesn't change who I am, how I feel about raiding, or my commitment to the guild. It just makes Tuesday and Sunday nights a little easier for me to deal with.

Hodir? Oh, Dear!

The servers went down earlier than they were supposed to today. No matter, not like I don't have things to do around here.
Real life sucks right now. I can't describe where all the pain and stress is coming from, but there is a lot going on here and with my extended family. To be able to log in to WoW and be surrounded by people is soothing. The banter of guild chat is distracting, and the friendly affection is comforting.
I decided to put the issues I'm having on the Hodir fight on the guild forums and ask for suggestions. I'm not sure if no one has posted because they are afraid to, or because they don't know what to say. It's cruel of me to give a group of men a problem they can't fix, but what can you do?
The truth is, the Hodir fight is the one that really made me question whether I could go into Ulduar. I love technically challenging fights because they aren't just about who can mash buttons the fastest, but I hate having to be able to visually differentiate so much.
I had a thought this morning about a way to practice at least dealing with the cold debuff. It is basically the Intense Cold debuff from the Keristraza fight on steroids, so if I run heroic Nexus as much as possible (ugggh, that means pugging), I should be able to at least get better at it.

Wipe my tears, Kick me in the butt

Lots of achievement work this weekend. I got exalted with all the alliance factions (new title: "Ambassador Carilock") and was able to sweet-talk some guildies into running heroic Occulus with me so I could get "Proof of Demise" (love and hugs to Prynts, Younger, Luna, and Alord). I mentioned that I still hadn't dueled anyone, and Tidefury rode up, challenged me, and in true little brother style, let me win.

In real life, Sunday was a lovely Mother's Day, although talking to my father-in-law made me miss my second mother and one of my best friends, but I can appreciate all she taught her older son, my husband. My mom was having a good day when I called, although watching age take its toll is hard. My guildies were nice enough to wish me a happy Mother's Day as well. I've always been a very motherly person, even as a child, and it carries over to my friendships.

So many things are positive right now, why do I feel so negative? Depression sucks, there's no two ways about it. I feel like I'm breaking into little pieces and don't know what to do next. In game when I feel like this, I get extremely quiet. I have one or two people I can let know that things are bad, but most of the time I don't.

When I get in a bad mood, or hit a difficult challenge, I tend to get whiny before I can suck it up. I titled this post the way I did because one of the most caring things that anyone can do for me is listen to me cry, give me sympathy, and tell me to do what I need to do.

The guild is in a good place right now. The addition of new members, plus some members coming back to raid status, means that we aren't having problems filling raids. Unfortunately, this means that hard choices have to be made.
I keep wanting to say to Dem, "Is this really what you want? Would it not be easier on all of us just to have me as a social member so you can invite me when you need me, and don't have to worry about asking me to sit?" And yet, I don't.
There are gains to be made, and as I make them, there is always the possibility that one day I won't have to be the one to sit. Until then, I am content, in my unique place in the guild.