Leaving my Cocoon

"I think the hardest part of holding on is letting it go." - P.O.D., Goodbye for Now

I made a very difficult decision a couple of days ago. I realized that there was no benefit, other than social, to me or the guild, to be had by my staying. I found a guild that is just starting out, but wants progression.

Thursday night, I waited until the guys were done for the night, not wanting to drop a bomb like that on them in the middle of a raid. It would either distract them from their focus, or they would be so focused they couldn't say goodbye, and I needed that goodbye.

I don't think I could have scripted a better response. I knew that if I left, I wanted to leave with the well-wishes and support of my friends. To be told "I hate seeing you leave, but this is the right move for you," was amazing.

So, I'm picking up writing again, more to chronicle what it's like helping to build a raiding guild as a disabled player than anything else. My new guild is also more female-dominated than any other guild I've been in, so I will undoubtably have some perspective on that.

A New Beginning, and Onyxia 25

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." - Robert Frost


When faction changes went live and it became apparent how many of the people I enjoy playing with were going horde, I debated taking the druid over, but as I said to Oct, I couldn't see myself as a cow. I did know, however, that eventually I was going to retire the warlock.


In the end, I decided to go where my friends were - the druid is now a tauren, and I am in a 10-man raiding guild as a social member. I was rewarded Tuesday night with a ninja-invite to do the Brewfest boss. I'm not going to be actively raiding, but I can when they need me to.

Friday night, I got home from work, did a little bit of levelling on the Paladin to get her a little farther and spend some time with the CRC crew like a good GM, then logged in to the druid to socialize, relax, and work on tournament dailies. I was greeted by my friends before I got off the loading screen. I did my jousting and was heading over to the citadel when Rod asked in gchat, "Carol - Ony 25?" I had to say yes.

The revamped Onyxia encounter is a lot of fun. I never got to do the classic version in a 40-man with the level 60 character, but they did a good job of keeping the elements, scaling it, and making it easier to avoid breaths (at least on normal mode). We only wiped once, which is good for a pug. I had over 3k dps on the wipe, and 2.2k dps on the kill, for my Naxx geared toon. That says something about what the dps on the boomkin will be like once I get better gear.

At the end of the night, when I was getting ready to log, I was told by Rod that I did a great job, and that he was glad I came along. Experiences like that are why I rolled horde, and I appreciate Rod and Dem for giving me a place to land.

The End is Here

"Waste our time with words that seem to break our will, they bind us still. Without a care, they tarnish what we hold so dear, what was once so clear." ~ Alter Bridge, The End is Here

I've struggled with how much to write about the events of the past few days, partially because it is so painful, and partially because I needed to make sure my blog wasn't the first place people heard about it.

I don't really feel like going into detail here, but a meeting was held Tuesday night without me to discuss the future of CRC, several raid members, including the GM, left to form a hardcore 10 man raiding guild, and I was promoted to GM after being informed that CRC would now be a casual guild.

For all intents and purposes, Clan Redundancy Clan is no more. However, that in no way cheapens what it was or what we did. We got progression content and were a top alliance guild on the server while maintaining real lives, and never forgetting that there were real people behind the toons.

As for me, I'm retiring from raiding, at least until the paladin hits 80. At that point I'll reevaluate what I want to do. I probably won't be writing very much, because I'm not sure I'll have much to write.

Those of you who have read this blog as kindred spirits, thank you. I have appreciated your friendship and insights greatly.

Those of you who have read this blog to learn, thank you for being here and opening your mind.

Those of you who have read this blog to offer support, I'm tearing up as I write this. Your friendship and caring has made a huge difference to me over the past year or so, and especially through everything that's happened over the past nine months. Thank you for caring, for understanding, and most of all, for being willing to learn. Y'all rock.

DPS: what's in a number?

My daddy is 77 years old today. So much of who I am has been influenced by him.
To say that my life has been a bit stressful lately would be putting it mildly. I consider myself fortunate to have guildies that understand that, while I will come into a raid absolutely fried, I will probably not be at my best, and I need to not be yelled at.
After the raid last night, I went into heroic violet hold with a couple guildie alts, and two pug dps'ers. Other than the fact that I kept thinking I could tank in cloth, it went fine. During the run, Boom (who was healing) asked if I was running a meter. I always run a meter. I hate them, but they do provide a good measuring stick. My dps was the lowest i've seen it in a long time, and yet, I did about a third of the damage. That made me start thinking about the value of dps as a statistic.
In Elsia's FAQ about Recount on CurseGaming, he says, "DPS is a poor measure". So, I would say that for recount, I need to see how much damage I am contributing in the raid.
WoW web stats defines dps as damage done divided by the dps time, dps time being based on a 5 second window following each damage done. Anyone doing damage every 5 seconds or less would have 100% dps time.
DPS time is my biggest opportunity for improvement, and also my most challenging. Tuesday on Patchwerk, I had 95% dps time, and 3492 dps. That's my damage alone, my doomguard contributed more. I need to find those 5 second windows where I'm not damaging, and eliminate them. Here we go!

The Psychology of WoW

The longer I play this game, the more I realize that the biggest part of it is in the mind. I don't just mean the parts of the brain that control reaction time and coordination, but there is a psychological component.

I know that my chances of hitting the Thaddius jump the first time are nil if what is going through my brain as Feugen goes down is "I'm not gonna make it." However, if I think, "you can make this, push your camera angle up, run, and jump," I land more often than not.

The safety dance is another one where I have to psych myself up, and one negative comment can throw me off. Before the Heigan fight starts, I say to myself, "this could be the night." I then make sure I am in the middle of the group when it's time to run. I'm really getting close to having that one down.

In the world of abilitycraft, these is an area where your guildies can make or break you. I can't tell you how many times I've been frustrated and ready to quit on myself when I've had a guild member either say outright or imply that I can do it. These are also the people to whom I can say, "this is a challenge for me, any suggestions?" or "are you having this issue?"

If there is any advice I would give to overcome the negative, it would be this: think positively, present yourself positively, and don't rule out the possiblity that your challenge may be something that nondisabled gamers struggle with as well.
Happy raiding!

Status Update

I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't had much to say, plus we've all been snowed in this week. One huge positive is that I haven't fallen, although keeping my balance when I've had to go outside has been tricky.

Just thought I'd update what's been going on with me WoW-wise:

• got the Elder title on the warlock
• got the Champion of the Frozen Wastes title on the warlock
• completed the doomguard quest on the warlock (Blizzard has made what used to be used as a practical joke something viable for raiding)
• levelled the hunter to 77 and maxed herbing and mining
• started levelling the druid, and actually ran a couple of instances with her

Intangibles gained by playing WoW:

• less stiffness in my fingers
• improved fine-motor coordination
• improved hand-eye coordination
• a reinforcement of the idea that my disability does not define me

Special Hardware

If you go to the computers section of an electronics store, or the hardware section of a gaming store, you will find that there are several hardware options for the serious gamer. These can be a huge help for a disabled gamer as well. My husband, who is nondisabled, uses a special gaming keyboard that he can bind spells to for each of his toons.
I use a Belkin n52te gamepad. It sits opposite my mouse, where it is very convenient for me to use with my left hand, and it has a palm rest, which is more comfortable and cuts down on excess muscle movement (the tanks don't appreciate it when you hit psychic scream by accident in the middle of Black Temple trash). Another advantage is the layout of the keys makes it very easy to cast quickly. It also has a macro feature that I am still learning to use effectively, but gets me very excited when it works.
Whatever hardware you use, make sure you understand how it works and practice before the raid. The target dummies in ironforge are perfect for setting up hardware, and combat macros.
Happy raiding!

If I was a WoW toon, I would be...

a night elf druid, without question.
I've gone through 3 or 4 druids in my time on WoW before I finally levelled Carianna to 70.
My first druid that I played seriously on Turalyon I deleted after my husband got his first toon to 60 and left the guild we were in to raid. I created Carianna when he started travelling frequently and I wanted a good way to communicate with him. I also created a druid on Baelgun to get my place in the guild before I transferred the other toons from Anvilmar.
Carianna levelled feral to 70, and is now resto. As soon as I get my farmer where I want her, I will level the druid to 80. She will mostly be for pvp fun, although she will be available to raid if needed.

My WoW Journey, Part III - Shadow Priest

Going from holy to shadow took a good bit of gold and work. I had to not only respec my priest, but I had to respec my tailoring from mooncloth to shadowweave. Then I made and gemmed my Frozen Shadowweave Set. First Kara run went okay, I thought, considering I was using my T5 shoulders instead of the Frozen Shadowweave. Unfortunately, after that run, a damage meter was shared and misinterpreted, and I decided it was time to find a new guild.
Joining a guild that was just getting into Kara after running SSC and the Eye was a really interesting experience. I learned so much about myself, and made some great friends along the way. Thank you, Zerum, and thank you Phantom Dragons for allowing us to merge with you and being so accepting. During this time I created my warlock to check it out.
While I was running around Kara and helping my guild get into Gruul, my husband decided to switch guilds. Eventually, real life events made making raids difficult, and my husband's guild was recruiting for a shadow priest, so I decided to apply. That is the single most important, best WoW decision I ever made.
I struggled with dps on the shadow priest, and wasn't sure if it was gear or spell rotation, or some combination. My husband mentioned that a shadow priest that had just started raiding again was the only one he got mana back from, and I took that to heart. When Younger broke the ice with me by asking me how I was doing on threat, I took the opportunity to ask for help. He helped me with spec and with spell rotation. Thank you so much, you totally rock!
With my shadow priest, I was able to clear Hyjal with my guild, and down Kael'Thas and Illidan.

My WoW Journey, Part II - Holy Priest

Mother's Day 2007 - the day I decided it was time to part company with my old guild and transfer Kyrania, who was at that time a level 58 holy priest, to Turalyon. Learning to heal was not an easy thing for me, but I got it. I used the addon healbot, which worked pretty well.
Once I began raiding, I was having to deal with criticism for being at the bottom of the healing meter. I wasn't sure what was going on until one night I watched the castbars of the other priests and realized they were casting 3 times as many heals as I was. My husband looked at Recount and came to the same conclusion. Why were they able to cast more than me? They could react quicker to bars going down than I could. I reached out and asked for help, but none came. My husband's suggestion was to go shadow, or roll a warlock. Since I already had some dps gear, I chose to respec shadow.

My WoW Journey, Part I - The Hunter

I thought it might be a good idea to give a background of who I am, WoW-wise, and how I ended up playing a warlock.
When hubby and I decided that I was too hooked on WoW to be happy sharing an account, I decided to make a hunter. I liked the idea of having a pet, and I liked the way the night elves looked, plus the lore side was nice too. So I logged in after creating my trial account, and the screen popped up, "You have been assigned to the Anvilmar realm." I had no idea that I could choose the server where my husband played, so I hit accept. In retrospect, this decision allowed me to level my first 60 without feeling like I was in his shadow.
So, I leveled my hunter, making a lot of noob mistakes (as my levelling-to-60 buddy pointed out). Along the way, I made some great friends in NightHatchet Renegades on Anvilmar, which became Night Renegades when we moved to Baelgun. As I started running higher level instances in classic WoW, it became apparent that I was not suited to playing the hunter, so I decided to level a holy priest. The hunter stayed my main after the expansion, and moved to Turalyon with my husband's guild. Trapping ability and dps both became issues, and so I moved on to the priest and made my hunter my farmer.

Welcome to the World of Abilitycraft!

I was inspired to create this blog by two things. One is Beware Splinters, the fabulous blog written by my awesome friend Orbitz. The second was a conversation with my GM where I realized that although World of Warcraft is a great game to help people with a multitude of disabilities, there isn't a whole lot of information out there to help people with neurological disabilities play the game at a high level.

I started playing WoW in the summer of 2006, when my husband was getting tired of wife aggro. We were eating lunch one day and he said, "You'd probably enjoy playing it, why don't you make a character on my account and check it out?" I did, then progressed to a trial account where I made my hunter, Carolia, on Anvilmar (the suggested realm, but not the one my husband was on - more on that in a separate post). Carolia was followed by a dwarf priest named Kyrania, then Anvilmar became overpopulated and both toons moved with my guild to Baelgun. Later, they moved to my husband's realm where they joined my druid, Carianna (actually my third druid - long story). My main is now an affliction warlock named Carilock (are you seeing a pattern to my naming yet?)

In real life, I'm a wife and mother of two. I also live with cerebral palsy, which affects fine motor skills, coordination, and reaction time. This has made raiding a challenge, but with the help of understanding friends, addons, and peripherals, I've been able to clear a lot of the content in BC and Wrath.