DPS is just a number - or is it?

If there is a 12-step group for dps meter addiction, I think I need one. I always run one in the background, although the only thing I really look at with the druid is if I'm keeping up with the dispels, because not abolishing poison or removing curses is the main way to wipe on some fights. The warlock is another story. Recount is set to autohide on combat so it doesn't distract me, but I am constantly looking at it between fights, and almost always check what I do after a boss fight.
I didn't used to be this way. I could be content to come in, do my job, and get out without feeling a need to do at least 2.5k dps overall. I avoided the dps meter like I avoid walking through places that are slippery or cluttered. What's changed?
I think one thing that is different is how much I enjoy raiding. Another is that, although the officers are very quick to let me know that they value me for more than my dps, I want to bring the pain. The third thing is extremely dysfunctional, and it cuts to the core of my experiences over the past 3 years. I am rough on myself because, in my own way, I am protecting myself from rejection. I'm determined that no one is going to put me down the way a couple of former GM's (emphasis on the former) did.
The reality is that dps is important. Is it important for me to always be able to do at least 3k dps? Not in the current content. When people look at the damage meter and see what I'm doing, what do they think? I don't know, but y'all are welcome to tell me (shameless hint). Is this constant chasing higher and higher dps healthy, or does it cause us to lose who we are? The truth is, there is a finite amount of damage you can do to a boss, especially if you are very successful. A typical player will be able to hit a mob faster and more often than me, so I will not do as much damage, which affects dps.
I decided to write the post to sort of be a devil's advocate, and also to solicit feedback. Is there a magic number? What do you think when you look at recount?

The Keybinding Trial

"you think that your the only one who doesn't have to try, and you won't have to fail. If you're afraid to fight, then I guess you never will." - 3 Doors Down, "It's the Only One You've Got"
Lots on my mind this morning. Had a few starts and stops in my writing over the weekend. I put a lot of thought into this blog, and do my best writing when I'm sitting alone listening to my mp3 player in a quiet house. 3 Doors Down especially inspires me.
Well, I gave in and decided to try keybinding. Something about my buddy not letting the issue go, especially when it's obvious he understands at least some of the challenges I face, convinced me to give it a fair shot.
I set my keybinds up Saturday afternoon, and began the painful process of retraining my brain. One of the things I love about playing with elite gamers is that they understand things like training your brain and muscle memory that generally only physical and occupational therapists understand.
Saturday evening, I took the warlock into a 10-man Naxx with mostly guild alts. I let everyone know what I was doing, partially because I'm a girl, and partially because they needed to know why I was irritable and making mistakes that I wouldn't ordinarily make. The hardest thing for me right now is using the mouse for turning. That will get better with practice, and I think I'm seeing some gains. Yesterday, on a 25-man Sartherion pug, I did 4k dps on Shadron. I topped the meter on a couple of 10-man Naxx fights Saturday and Sunday night. All in all, it's going better than I thought it would.
The crew of AbleGamers.com was at GDC '09 this past week, and decided to ask the people who make the games that we all love to play, "Have you ever thought about how disabled people play games?" You can see the video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z7-pd5gWBY&feature=player_embedded and answer the question for yourself.

Making the Difference

It's not often that I can point to a moment where I can say, "My coming into or being in that raid was the difference between a wipe and a kill." I usually come in, do my job, and hope it's enough to justify me being there.
Thursday nights I usually don't raid because my children have Boy Scouts, and I have responsibilities in their troop. Last night, we got home, and while I was helping my older son get some information he needed for school today, I logged into ventrilo. Lots of people on, no one talking. That's not a good sign. Log onto WoW, 25 people in guild on, 23 in Eye of Eternity or Borean Tundra. Send a tell to Dev, "I'm available if you need me." I'll fly to Naxx or OS before getting confirmation, but not to Coldarra. Get invite, hope I can pump out enough dps without any elixirs or flasks, and grab the flight out there.
I get in, and as the only Warlock, drop a soulwell. Realize that there are 23 people who are already happy I'm there. Get out my imp, self-buff with Fel Armor, Spellstone, and Fish Feast, drop my Summoning Circle and I'm off after helping to summon one of our healers who had also just logged on.
Phase 1 of the Malygos fight rocked. I was getting all my DoTs up, killing Power Sparks which the death knights positioned perfectly, and using the buff. When Maly flew up into the air for phase 2, we had him down lower than I think we ever have. Unfortunately, I took too much damage during a breath and died (damn shrinking bubbles), but my recount showed about 2300 dps or so. Not bad for no flask. Long story short (I know, too late), we got him down.
In reality, it takes more than one person to make or break a raid, but I am so happy that I made such a big contribution to our success.

Feeding the Ego

Last night was a fun time of Wintergrasp, heroics, and 10 mans. Whenever anyone asks for interest, I offer dps or heals, because it really doesn't matter to me which I play. I think I'm a better healer than a dpser, and the only person who will admit to disagreeing with me thinks that I could get more dps out of keybinding. I do enjoy doing both, and am always looking for the extra practice and edge which will get me to consistent 3k dps.
Anyway, it's well known in the guild that I run a meter all the time, to the point of almost being psychotic about it. I do it for me, for improvement. Anyway, we were clearing 10 man vault trash, and I get a tell from one of the guys who is on his alt, "How's my dps looking?" I tell him he's third, right behind me. "We'll see what happens when we get to the boss." I decided to take this as a challenge, which was kind of fun. I stayed in the top 3 damage for vault trash and 10 man OS. I also healed my first heroic Utgarde Pinnacle, and heroic Violet Hold.
I love being able to top the dps meter. I love seeing how much of the damage pie I can get when I'm not up against some of the top damage dealers on the server. It's good for my ego to know that although I will always struggle to crack the top 5 in 25-mans, I don't fail.

Of Disabilities and Gaming

Lileia, who writes the blog In the Fringes, has been referencing articles from http://www.ablegamers.com/ lately. I love this site! It's so wonderful to find a group of people that understand why I enjoy gaming so much, even though it's difficult. Today, Lileia was talking about in-game communication, and referring to an article by Steve S. about Warhammer and the online keyboard.
The type, severity, and what is affected by cerebral palsy generally has to do with how and when the brain damage occurred. My cp is not very severe, but it is pervasive, which means that just about anything that depends on the interaction of nerves and muscles for voluntary movement is affected. What that means is that I'm not a fast typist, and even talking on vent can be an issue on a bad day.
One thing Steve talks about in his article that Lileia alludes to is that in games, our disabilities become invisible (mine is invisible most of the time anyway, but still) and we are free to interact without stares, questions, or prejudice. This is a good thing, most of the time. Every person in a pug doesn't need to know that I am disabled. I agree with Lileia, though, that it can be freeing to let those I run with all the time know what's going on.
I've been more open with the members of Clan Redundancy Clan about my disability than I have with any other guild. Doing so was a risk, and could have backfired. What I have gained by being open, however, is the ability to be myself. When I get excited about putting out the dps that any warlock with my gear should be able to put out, my guildies understand why. When I have trouble doing the safety dance or making the jump on Thaddius, they understand that too, although they would be much happier if I could execute flawlessly. To be accepted for who I am without apology or qualification, to know that my guildies understand but will gently push me to dig a little deeper when needed, is a rare gift that I treasure.

Warlock vs. Resto Druid

One thing I've been doing in my head is comparing the warlock vs. the druid (dots vs. hots, I guess). I can't really choose which one I like more, that would be like choosing between my children. I love them both, but in different ways.
Soloing on the warlock is the most fun I have on any of my damage dealers. I get to use a pet, and can heal myself using haunt, siphon life, and drain life. Who doesn't love a warlock in a group? You get summons, healthstones, and a soulstone. Also, with all my dots, I can do damage even when I'm moving and getting reset.
Before patch 3.0, trying to deal damage on a resto druid was painful. You had to switch out your gear and go in cat or bear, popping out to heal and hoping you didn't go out of mana before the mob went down. Now that spellpower is used for damage and healing, soloing on the druid is super-easy mode. I cast moonfire, then roll starfire and lifebloom. I rarely get below 75% health using this method. Plus, doing all the quests that require riding a dragon no longer contain the fear of dying from fall damage. If my combat vehicle dies, I hit flight form and fly away. I also have a distinct advantage in groups, since I can resurrect people in or out of combat.
Would I ever change my main character? It would depend on the needs of the guild. We all made our choices about what we wanted to raid in Wrath. I was willing to play the druid, but didn't have the confidence to say, "I can be a good healer." Now I can say, "I'm not a bad lock, but I'm a good healer." For now, I'm content with playing a warlock with a druid alt.

You take it! No, you take it!

One of the ways that you can tell when you're in a guild that doesn't put top priority on loot is when you see that type of conversation about minor upgrades, or on gearing alts. At the same time, I wish it would stop. My guild uses a loot council system, which means the officers and a randomly chosen member decide who gets loot if more than one member considers it an upgrade. I love this system, because there is no randomness to it, yet officers can (and often do) reward positive behavior such as showing up to raids, staying until the end, and playing a class role well.
This whole topic came up in my mind because this week, we decided to do a 25-man Naxx run with alts. When I got back from scouts with my boys, I logged in on my druid, and noticed that there were only 24 members on. I immediately asked if I was needed, and on which toon. The response was a very strong, "Bring what you want." I brought the druid because she needed gear, but I was seriously willing to bring the warlock to get some raid data to support my position that what I am doing is working.
The thing that perplexed me was the extremely protective tone a couple of the guys had. I know I deserved the same chance to bring an alt that everyone else had, but do they honestly think that I would have offered my lock if there was no benefit to me bringing her? In loot decisions, I trust the officers and the loot council, and only say, "Give it to X" if X has not gotten loot in a while.