Losing an Advocate

I haven't really posted about WoW (or anything) much lately, and I really should update on all the achievements I've gotten lately, but I wanted to do a tribute to someone whose work touches on the reason for this blog.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver passed away this past week. She was a tireless advocate for the disabled, and founded Special Olympics. In doing so, she made acceptable the idea that barriers to recreational activities should not exist for the disabled.

When I was disagnosed in 1975, my mother went to the local independent living center where she taught classes, and asked them what they could do for me. The response she got was that she should be happy that I could do so much. I look back on that, and look back on the past 30 years and all the games I've given up playing and all the activities I've stopped doing, and it doesn't seem fair to me.

Is it wrong to want access to everything a nondisabled person can do? Mrs. Shriver didn't think so, and she helped disabled people take their place in society with their heads held high, rather than feeling ashamed of being disabled. God bless you, Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

New Raid, John Hughes, and Free Speech?

Today's post is going to be kind of a mishmash of things. A lot of things are happening online and in real life that have me thinking about what it really means to be disabled in America, and with 3.2 coming out this week, I feel like I have to talk about raiding.

I went into Trial of the Crusader on 10-man on Wednesday night, and 25-man on Thursday night. Blizzard has decided to introduce the instances in stages, similar to the way Sunwell was unlocked. They are introducing one boss per raiding week until all five are out, and you cannot do heroic mode until you have finished normal mode. It's a bit of a pain, but it also keeps the Ulduar guilds going back in. The first event is very interesting, and requires a good bit of coordination, but we were able to get it down.

Yesterday around raid time, I read the news that John Hughes has passed away. I came of age with many of his movies like The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Pretty in Pink. He captured the '80s teen culture like no one else could, and created characters that teenagers could identify with. The messages he sent about being yourself and looking beyond labels still resonate with me today, as I look at my own teenager.

The last observation is from a facebook comment one of my friends made regarding a campaign to remove the phrase "that's so gay" from people's vocabulary. The comment characterized campaigns like these as interfering with free speech. Yes, free speech means that you can use "gay" or "retarded" (my hot button word) in a negative way, but just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's right to do. Also, the way we use words that refer to certain groups reflects how we feel about those groups, and marginalizes them. This is a really hard topic for me to talk about, because I risk making people I care about defensive, or hurting their feelings, and that's the last thing I want, but I can't stay silent about it anymore. Words reflect attitudes, and attitudes are hard to change. Think about what you're saying when you use those terms, please, that's all I ask.

The Legacy of "Passing"

Rare real-life whine here, just because I need to sit down for a few minutes.
I'm in a lot of pain today. My knees and hips feel like they have sand in the joints. Got up early, even before Bryan's alarm went off, and felt pretty good. Went through everything I want to get accomplished today in my head. After breakfast and a few minutes of putting away dishes, I went to the pill drawer for tylenol. Shortly after Bryan left, it was time for naproxen. I still hurt, but I can't do anything other than hope that frequent breaks will help.
On a break last week, while running a heroic, Gutts asked, "why are you hurting? what did you do?" I tried to explain that I didn't really do anything, that it's just part of life, but it felt strange.
I try not to fall into self-pity on the high pain days, try not to wonder how long I'll be able to walk and what happens when I no longer can. Welcome to middle age with cerebral palsy, when this mild, nonprogressive disorder reveals that even though the brain damage hasn't progressed beyond the initial injury 40 or so years ago, the wear and tear on muscles and joints has.
I first was exposed to articles on aging with my disability 15 years ago, when I was pregnant and concerned and discovered the online disabled community in the early days of AOL. There was an interesting article regarding the fact that those of us who could walk unaided were encouraged to participate in physical activities as much as our nondisabled peers. Adaptive physical education did not exist in my school district until I was in junior high school and my slow reaction time scared my regular PE teacher. I think about my time on a large college campus where walking from class to class was required and wonder if anyone would have considered a motorized scooter a good investment for me. Most of all, I laugh inwardly at the irony that the "good attitude" that was praised and encouraged was really denial that anything was wrong.
I could try to "pass" in the World of Warcraft. My slow reaction time looks a lot like not paying attention, and my dps is certainly good enough for most of the alliance guilds on the server. However, I belong where I am, and being honest with my friends has allowed me to play and contribute where I do.
Side note: A ray of sunshine came back into my online world over the weekend. Welcome back, Natazz!

A New Angel

"Thanks for all you've done. I've missed you for so long; I can't believe you're gone." - Alter Bridge, In Loving Memory
Last night we went into a 10-man Ulduar with 4 alts, which is always an experience. Flame Leviathan and Razorscale went pretty well, but as we were clearing to XT-002, the phone rang. It was my dad, telling me that my aunt and godmother had passed away. As I was talking to him, Oct typed in raid chat, "Give us a minute, Carol's dealing with family stuff on the phone." I typed, "I'm gonna need Oct for a min plz." I hung up with my dad, told Oct what happened, and sobbed in his arms for a minute.
Got back on vent and said, "Sorry about that, family emergency, what am I doing?" The group asked what was wrong, since I was obviously in tears, I told them, and was met with condolences and hugs. The raid was somewhat unremarkable, but it was good to be able to have it as a distraction and be with friends who care about me.
When I think of my Aunt Bertha, I think of a kind, classy woman who raised two daughters alone after her first husband died at a young age, then found love again after her children were grown, thanks to my grandfather. I remember swimming at the house she had in Pennsylvania before she got married, and lots of happy times at their house in North Carolina. In an indirect way, she is responsible for me meeting my husband. My parents bought the property they retired to because it was across the street from hers, and that led to me attending NC State, where I met Bryan. I remember a woman who was always sewing, knitting, or crocheting, and giving me wonderful handmade clothes. I remember a talented organist, and singing old hymns in four-part harmony while she played. I remember a gentle stubbornness that I share with her. The memories make me smile, even through my tears.
I'm also glad that I have such good friends, even in a video game, that will love and support me.
Edit: In my grief, I forgot that another guild cleared Ulduar last week. Congratulations to Aeon on their Yogg-Saron kill!

In Memoriam

"Do you think those that love us truly ever leave us?" - JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
One of the reasons that I stick with WoW where I might not stick with another video game is that there are real people behind the characters. Last night, I found out that one of those people had passed away. This entry is dedicated to him and another friend that I lost last fall.
I met Daylin when the small guild I was in was absorbed by his guild. He made sure that we felt welcomed and comfortable. The memories I treasure of him are that he was skilled at playing both a rogue and a priest, and that he was willing to play whichever toon was needed at the time. We lived in the same county, and after I left the guild, he sent me a tell saying that we needed to stay in touch and meet up for coffee with our spouses. My friend, I knew you less than a year, but I will never forget you.
Truepimp was an amazing warlock, but more than that, he was a great guy. I could have a conflict with him where he would make me completely mad, but then talk it out later on. When I was thinking about leaving a guild where I felt I didn't belong, he sent me a tell and said, "I don't want you to leave. You are one of us." My tribute to him is that my hunter pet, Nate, is named after him. Whenever Nate helps me out of a tight spot, I think of his namesake.
Hug those you love, and tell them you love them.

WoW and marriage

I've mentioned before that my husband, the uber-mage, plays WoW also, and we've been in three (well, technically four) guilds together. In real life, my husband is a wonderful, caring man who deals with a disabled wife and special needs son with grace and humor. In-game, however, he has quite the ego and, at times, little patience with those less skilled than he. This has caused some friction in our household, to the point that I often think of him as his real-life persona, whom I refer to by name, and his game persona, whom I refer to by his screenname.

It got to a point one night when, frustrated by my dps and his condescending attempts to help, I informed him that I was going to get through this with the help of my guildies and he was not allowed to offer any suggestions, tyvm. When I get frustrated with him in game, I go out of my way to differentiate the way I treat him IRL. Of course, there's always the factor of WoW life sometimes imitating real life, where the nondisabled partner sometimes seems to have all the advantages, and the disabled partner struggles constantly just trying to live a so-called normal life.

Something happened last week that changed the way he treats me with respect to the game. I was able to do over 3k dps on some bosses in both 10 and 25 man Naxx. It's almost like he realized after over a year, "Hey, Carol can really do this!" In return, I'm being a little more open to his suggestions, after all, he's known me for 17 years and has a better understanding than just about anyone of how my brain and muscles work.

So, we muddle on in this dance that is the life we made together almost 15 years ago, always remembering that when we turn our computers off, we belong to each other, no matter what our guild tags may say.

In memory of Kay Yow

This morning, I was all set to post an article about what to do when you hit the wall in raiding. As I was folding clothes and watching the morning news, however, I saw the sad news that Kay Yow, the women's basketball coach at North Carolina State University, passed away over the weekend from breast cancer.
Coach Yow was in her second year of battling her disease when I started my freshman year at NCSU, and her fight was well-publicized. When I attended a women's basketball game the next spring, I was impressed by her energy, and the fact that she so obviously cared about the women who played for her.
Coach Jim Valvano summed up the Wolfpack spirit when he said, "Don't give up. Never, ever give up." Coach Yow embodied it in her 22 year fight.
I close with this thought. I've had a very challenging couple of weeks in real life, and had a very discouraging raiding night last night, but I know if I dig in and fight, that I can do whatever I need to.