Losing a fellow advocate

I found out this morning that the gaming accessibility movement lost an advocate on Friday. Corey Krull, AKA Dis, lost his battle with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 37.
Corey truly believed that everyone had a right to game, and his insistence on that right kept me going and trying to find a way to keep playing and raiding. It was also nice to have someone so close to my age understand and echo my point of view.
Godspeed Corey, and rest in peace.

"It's Only a Game"

That's what Bryan said to me last night, when I was fuming about something or other that happened in game. My response to him was, "That's easy for you to say, you have been getting invites to work on achievements you don't even need." Eventually, I think he realized that my mood was more the product of my aching legs than taking the game too seriously and he backed off to let me work through it.

It seems to me that the phrase, "it's only a game" is used to justify mistreating someone. As a dear friend remarked yesterday, when I was asking her if my recent posts have been too harsh on certain people, sometimes players forget that there is a real person behind the avatar.

I am a real person with real feelings, and those I game with have a choice in how they treat me. They can be one more person who finds it necessary to hurt me because I'm different, or they can be the one who lets me know that despite all my flaws, I'm worth having around.

Losing an Advocate

I haven't really posted about WoW (or anything) much lately, and I really should update on all the achievements I've gotten lately, but I wanted to do a tribute to someone whose work touches on the reason for this blog.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver passed away this past week. She was a tireless advocate for the disabled, and founded Special Olympics. In doing so, she made acceptable the idea that barriers to recreational activities should not exist for the disabled.

When I was disagnosed in 1975, my mother went to the local independent living center where she taught classes, and asked them what they could do for me. The response she got was that she should be happy that I could do so much. I look back on that, and look back on the past 30 years and all the games I've given up playing and all the activities I've stopped doing, and it doesn't seem fair to me.

Is it wrong to want access to everything a nondisabled person can do? Mrs. Shriver didn't think so, and she helped disabled people take their place in society with their heads held high, rather than feeling ashamed of being disabled. God bless you, Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

New Raid, John Hughes, and Free Speech?

Today's post is going to be kind of a mishmash of things. A lot of things are happening online and in real life that have me thinking about what it really means to be disabled in America, and with 3.2 coming out this week, I feel like I have to talk about raiding.

I went into Trial of the Crusader on 10-man on Wednesday night, and 25-man on Thursday night. Blizzard has decided to introduce the instances in stages, similar to the way Sunwell was unlocked. They are introducing one boss per raiding week until all five are out, and you cannot do heroic mode until you have finished normal mode. It's a bit of a pain, but it also keeps the Ulduar guilds going back in. The first event is very interesting, and requires a good bit of coordination, but we were able to get it down.

Yesterday around raid time, I read the news that John Hughes has passed away. I came of age with many of his movies like The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Pretty in Pink. He captured the '80s teen culture like no one else could, and created characters that teenagers could identify with. The messages he sent about being yourself and looking beyond labels still resonate with me today, as I look at my own teenager.

The last observation is from a facebook comment one of my friends made regarding a campaign to remove the phrase "that's so gay" from people's vocabulary. The comment characterized campaigns like these as interfering with free speech. Yes, free speech means that you can use "gay" or "retarded" (my hot button word) in a negative way, but just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean it's right to do. Also, the way we use words that refer to certain groups reflects how we feel about those groups, and marginalizes them. This is a really hard topic for me to talk about, because I risk making people I care about defensive, or hurting their feelings, and that's the last thing I want, but I can't stay silent about it anymore. Words reflect attitudes, and attitudes are hard to change. Think about what you're saying when you use those terms, please, that's all I ask.

Confessions of a gaming Mom

I worked a total of 10 hours yesterday, and then five today. Yes, I'm crazy, but someone called in, I was available, and we could use the money, so I went home for a couple of hours and went back in.
I don't usually talk about my kids in the blog. My older son (the aptly named Landsponge) has a elemental shaman that just hit 80 this week. I had played WoW during the break between shifts, and told him he could log in and run some heroics to get gear. Oct decided to get in on the weekly alt Naxx run that one of the raiding guilds does, and asked Sponge if he'd like to come. Now, the casual guild Sponge was in recently was absorbed by the guild I was in for CRC, and they have a very strict no-pugging rule. I don't think Sponge knew it, and Oct wouldn't remember or think about it, so in Sponge went, and did well. He followed directions and was polite, and was rewarded with gear and achievements. Unfortunately, the achievements caught the eye of his guildleader, who informed him he wasn't a good fit for the guild, and kicked him.
I heard all about it when I got home, and my initial reaction was of a mama bear protecting her cubs. That Sponge also has special needs really made me want to ask the guildleader to give him a pass, because he probably didn't understand the rule. Then I reminded myself that I had pretty strong reservations about Sponge joining my old guild, because I didn't think he'd be a good fit. Today while I was at work, Sponge found a guild with another teenager in leadership, and seems happy.
My reaction surprised me, as it's so easy for me to want to be Mom in WoW, and make things easier for him like I want to do in real life. I have to remind myself not to do it too much in real life also, knowing that my mom's support was good, but her rescues didn't teach me to cope with the effects of all my disorders.
In the end, though, the fact that he followed directions and was well-behaved made his parents very proud, puts him ahead of some adult players, and means that he will be welcomed back into pugs with elite players. That is win.

Doing great, but not good enough?

Day off today, after two straight days of working. I'm on my feet all day when I work, so after a couple of days, my hips start to feel like they are filled with sand. I try to keep pushing and get as much work done around the house as I can, but the question always comes to my mind, "how many years do I have left that I can do this?" When I was turning 30, I wasn't sure how much mobility I'd have at 40. Now with 40 just around the corner, I know I will greet next January able to walk, but I also know I'll be lucky to have 10 more years before it's time to look at mobility aids beyond the bright blue cane that I use around the house occasionally.

Like I said before, real life is intruding upon on the guild in a major way. Almost a quarter of our raiding core is in the process of some sort of positive life change right now. This means I'm getting to raid more, but it also means I'm finding myself in places I was never expecting to be.

Last night, the guild was working on Hodir hard mode. Dev and I pretty much had an unspoken agreement that I would not be in for this fight. However, since we had four mages, two warlocks, two elemental shamans, and two hunters, it made sense to go for it.

The Hodir hard mode achievement requires buff and debuff management and killer dps. Ironically, since breaking out the NPC's is a higher priority in hard mode, and standing in toasty fire is essential, I had that buff for most of the fight on all attempts, and that allowed me to do well over 5000 dps, and thanks to storm cloud, I had some shadow bolts crit for over 30,000 damage.

After one attempt, Dev read off the ranged dps in order from greatest to least damage, in order to see what the tops dpsers were doing that the lower dpsers were not. I wasn't really feeling picked on at first, although I had to stop myself from saying "this is my first night of hard mode" in vent. I hate being taken to task over the damage meter like I'm not doing all I can, and I had to say to myself, "Car, if you want Dev and Larry to treat you like a normal raider, you can't get defensive when they do." As Dev was asking what Flip and I weren't doing that everyone else was, I heard one of the guys say, "Wait a second, Carol did 5800 dps on that fight, she's doing great." There was not an ounce of pity in his voice, just an acknowledgement of the journey, and the fact that I worked just as hard for my 5800 as Tide did for his 14000.

As my and Flip's spec was being discussed (we play the same spec because we like it and it works) and Oct was increasingly getting concerned that I was going to get all upset and cry or raise my voice in vent, I was able to stay calm. Conventional wisdom says destro>affliction for that fight. Conventional wisdom doesn't know me or what I can do. Can I do enough dps for hard mode? I don't know. Will I get the chance to try? I hope so. Will we realize that we influence what other people can do on this fight? I hope that too.

There's a bit of "if I knew then what I know now" in my reflecting on the Hodir fight in general. When I was begging for help on the forums, no one said, "we can make the mages a priority so you should be able to get close to a toasty fire." A change made to benefit my dps would benefit everyone, not just me. Maybe I should have been more assertive, I don't know. It's just hard to realize how a small change could have made all the difference for me, and painful to feel like I wasn't important enough to help. That sounds harsh, I know, but take it for what it's worth.

It's quiet, a little toooo quiet...

Not a whole lot is going on in the game right now. I'm still working on achievements on the lock and gearing up the boomkin. I no longer need to use WoW to escape the pain, and I feel fortunate to be surrounded by friends who don't want to keep me in that place.

Summer tends to be a time when people want to pull back from raiding. College students often go home, where they may not have the quality of internet access or time to raid, homeowners have projects around the house, and people want to do more outside. We're in a lull right now, and it's giving me time to pull back and reflect.

I don't need the blog as much any more, so I won't be taking the time to write as often. I appreciate those of you who read it, and have let me know that you read it. I'll stay in touch with those of you I have met through the blog as well. Cheers!

Anniversary week!

Two wonderful things happened yesterday. I got the Flame Warden meta-achievement done (finally!) and I got to be in some Ulduar boss fights, including a Kologarn where we got the Disarmed achievement.

A year ago today, I took my husband's suggestion and applied to Clan Redundancy Clan. My previous experience with joining him in a raiding guild was not positive, so I had a lot of fear and trepidation. The last thing I wanted was to come into the guild as "Oct's wife", afraid that people would either expect me to be a carbon copy of Oct or not want to say anything to me about my dps for fear of pissing him off. When I got to the part of the application that asked, "Do you know anyone in our guild?" I asked Oct if I should say he was my husband. He said, "yes," so I put it down, and mentioned the other friends I had in the guild. I finished the application, submitted it, and waited to hear from one of the officers. I didn't even think about checking my application thread until a few days later, when Oct looked at the guild forums and said, "Dev wants you to talk to him or Lucky in game."

Lucky was on, so I sent him a tell, and after a brief interview, he told me to let him know when I was ready for an invite. I told him I wanted to say goodbye to my old guild, and let the guild leaders know why I was leaving, and he respected that.

I explained to Daylin what was going on, and he asked me to let the leader who scheduled our raid times know. While I was waiting for her to come on, Oct got into his raid group for Mt. Hyjal and said, "Dev wants to know if you want to come in - we have a spot open." I thought about it for a minute - pugging meant a no-questions-asked gkick in my former guild - and decided to go for it anyway. When I got in the raid, my friend Veraya said, "Carol!" her husband Nyru said, "Carol!" and I immediately felt at home. As we were going through Frostwhisper trash, I got a tell from one of the tanks in my guild, "what are you doing in there?" I explained to him that I had already told Daylin I was leaving, and that I was just waiting for Snow to come on. He reminded me that if I was caught, I'd be kicked, and left it at that.

A short while later, I got a tell from Dev that a guild member had come on, and he needed me to step out. He thanked me for coming and told me he looked forward to having me in guild. Later, when Snow got online, I explained to her, and then the guild, what was going on. I left the guild, and found enough of a break in the action to send Dev a tell for an invite to guild.

I don't think I have ever been welcomed to a guild as warmly as I was to CRC, and I know I didn't blow anyone away with my skill as a shadow priest. I think I was expecting the guild to be full of guys with huge egos and to be treated rather harshly if I didn't measure up to their standards. What I found was that the guild is full of guys and ladies who are willing to give constructive criticism and suggestions.

I think the defining moment for me as a member of CRC came shortly after I got the warlock to 80 and the guild was in 25 man Naxx. It was a morning when only Dem and I were on, and I was getting ready to go to work. I said to him, "I don't think you'll need me, but if you do I'll be back around 8:30." He said, "Don't say it like that" and gave me the first of many pep talks. That was when I realized how much I was valued as a member of the guild.

It's been an interesting and fun year, one that has seen CRC go from a middle of the road guild in BC to one of the top progression guilds on the server in Wrath. Personally, I've learned how to survive encounters, and actually had 3.9k dps on Deconstructor.

Thanks for a great year, guys, and I hope to have many more together.

I am not the stumbling block!

"I won't be the last one in line. I finally figured out what's mine." - Shinedown, Breaking Inside

Last night we tried for a 25-man alt Naxx, but didn't have enough, so some of us continued a 10-man Ulduar from earlier this week. Iron Council took us a couple of attempts to get, but we got it and I could see the death runes. I also got a new set of bracers. I'm exchanging hit for spellpower, but it's working for now. Freya went pretty smoothly. I was the only lock, and Oct was the only mage, so we were on crowd control for the adds. I was really pleased with how I did on banishing. Grats, Baby, on your fourth piece of T8!
On to Mimiron, and as the sole warlock, I knew I would have to tank. Luckily, Flip was in on his DK, so he was available to give me advice. It went okay, except I was having trouble reacting to the runes. The changes they are making to the rockets will help immensely with that, so I guess I can be happy about that nerf. No, I don't usually like it when bosses are nerfed. Easy-to-kill does not equal accessible. Sometimes it just means that people who don't put the work in can reap the rewards anyway, and sometimes it really isn't a help for those of us that have worked at learning the boss.
At any rate, I successfully tanked phase 3 a couple of times, only to have us fail in phase 4. I learned something in our attempts though. First of all, there are times when I am so overwhelmed that my reaction time slows down to keep me from completely freezing up. I also learned that if we can't get a boss, it's not always me. I'm so conditioned to being replaced that the first person I look to blame is myself. That's not a bad thing if I'm seeing things that I can do better, but it is if it means that I don't have the confidence to perform. In the end, I'm a better player than my disabilities let me be, and I can and will continue to overcome what I can to shine.

Cheering friends on!

I have to start today's blog with some major congratulations.
First off, Grats to CRC for downing General Vezax and getting into Phase 2 of the Yogg-Saron fight. Props to Dem for having the wisdom to make everyone take a break and watch the first part of the StratFu video when it became obvious that there were a lot of people who didn't know what was going on. I am so proud of you guys.
Next, grats to Just Wipe It and Escalation for being the next alliance and horde guilds to kill Yogg-Saron. Good job!
I wasn't sure what it would be like dealing with my new role in CRC. Would I miss being a Raid Member, or would being a standby feel okay? I was in a good bit of pain yesterday, which I don't deal with well. My left hand holds tension in an odd way when I raid, and depression can also contribute to joint pain, so my hands were hurting. Naproxen wasn't touching the pain, but after a bit of whining, Oct found his travel first-aid kit so I could get some tylenol. That made it bearable, and I could at least finish my tournament dailies.
I have to say, it was really nice being able to finish making dinner and eating without having to be right at my computer at 6:30 to grab my invite. I let Dem know that I was staying close by just in case the raid didn't fill up, but it did, which was cool. I was able to relax, finish my dailies, and get some old world dungeon achievements done while working on a low-level warlock quest.
I still think I did the right thing asking for this demotion, and am happy that my guildies are letting me be selfish and do it.

Raiding as a Social

I couldn't write yesterday, I was too upset. Wednesday afternoon I was driving my son into the city for an appointment, and I got a text from my sister letting me know that my dad's red blood cell count was low, and he was in the hospital for transfusions, steroids, and antibiotics to combat an infection. My dad has lived with leukemia for 30 years, and anytime he is sick, there is always the worry that he won't be able to fight it off. After exchanging texts with my sister assuring me that I wasn't needed, I was able to fight the urge to pack my bags, kiss my husband and kids, and drive down to Mom and Dad's. It did, however, confirm for me that going to the rank of Social Member was the right decision.

My decision to be demoted has been met with love and support, and people telling me to come back to Raid Member soon. The primary reaction, especially from those closest to me, has been, "If this is what you need to get through this time, I support you." Amid all the stress and pain, a friend from AbleGamers made a death knight on Turalyon and joined the guild. It really brightened my spirits to have him here.

As I said before, yesterday was difficult. I was managing to do housework, and I was on WoW trying to do dailies, but I couldn't concentrate. One of the guys recognized that I was trying to keep myself busy and not accomplishing much, and sent me a tell asking to run heroic Setthek on my druid for the Raven Lord mount. Once we got on vent, he gave me a chance to talk about what was wrong and cry on his shoulder a little bit.

When I got on WoW after scouts last night, I was the 25th guild member on, and they were fighting Freya. I flew to Ulduar while they were downing her, then sent Dem a tell, "I'm right outside if you need me." Went in and downed Iron Council, despite dying to a death rune. Gotta love failing to move out of something when you see it in large blue type flashing across your screen.

As we were setting up for Mimiron, Flip asked me to send him my damage meter since I was in. Well, I got the report set up to show my damage, but forgot to check "whisper" and type his name. Default is /s, so I spammed the raid with it. I said, "oops, meant to send that as a tell" and I immediately got demoted. I said, in vent, "The real question is, what do you promote me back to?" You can see his answer here. Laughter is good for the soul, and my guildies find ways to lift my spirit without making me feel like I have to cheer up to make them feel better.

Mimiron did not go well at first. I died to rockets twice, and I have no idea why I didn't see the runes. I've not killed Mimiron on heroic, and I need him for the Keepers of Ulduar achievement, yet when another raider signed on, I gave Dem a nudge to bring him in and sit me, even though he would have let me stay. I appreciate being a part of the raiding core, but at some point, replacing me for someone who (a) isn't probably going to stand in runes, and (b) has the ability to self-resurrect, makes sense.

The thing I came away with last night was that I did not feel marginalized, and I hope that I proved my point that I'm not abandoning my guild. Being a social member takes some of the pressure off, and I appreciate Dem for letting me do it.

10-man Mimiron and Reflections on the Journey

Last night, I was working on my tournament dailies (and thanks to my good friend Tidefury, had them down to just one) when I got a tell from Cinnas, who was gathering a group to go back into 10 man Ulduar, asking if I wanted to go. Like I've said before, I don't refuse guild raids, especially on new content. So I get set for a long night of banging our heads up against Mimiron. It was going okay, and I was doing really well at Warlock tanking, when I get a tell from Flip, "I'm gonna tank now, you do bots. I can dps more targets that way." Have I said before how much I hate being thrown out of my comfort zone? DPSing Bots means that I am switching targets more often, which increases the chances I will be confused, and means a lot more downtime for me. The decision was made, though, so I ranted at Flip and worked on the bots. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The thing I'm learning is that each difficult encounter that I can negotiate helps the hand-eye coordination and reaction time, so the next encounter is a little easier.

On the 18th try of the night, we successfully got him into phase 4, and Deadly Boss Mods was (finally) correctly showing percentages on all three parts. As each part fell to below 5%, we started losing tanks. As we were burning him down, we kept losing people and there were people that thought it would be a wipe. I was still up, throwing dots and shadowbolts for all I was worth and refusing to quit. We got him down with 3 people standing! I got a "gj" tell from Flip, which is always nice. I'm not the top dpser and never will be, but I can now say that I do enough.

Mother's Day is coming up on Sunday. It's a day that is touched with sadness, as we miss Bry's mom, and watch my mom slip further away. The rabbits are back in my backyard, though, and it makes me think fondly of both of them. Mother's Day is also the day two years ago when I left Night Renegades on Baelgun and brought my priest to Turalyon to join the hunter and druid. I can draw so many parallels between NR and CRC, sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now.
Lileia said something in In the Fringes that really made me think. She said, "Being there is the easy part, letting someone be there, that's the difficult part." It's not easy letting people know that there are parts of your brain that don't work right, especially when people immediately think that means that you are not intelligent. It's hard to let someone help you do a quest that you think you should be able to solo. It's hard letting someone see the tears, fear, and anger that come with living with a disability. I've learned to be vunerable, and I've learned to trust. I've seen the best part of humanity, and made some great friends. It's been a great journey, and it's not over yet.

Warlock vs. Resto Druid

One thing I've been doing in my head is comparing the warlock vs. the druid (dots vs. hots, I guess). I can't really choose which one I like more, that would be like choosing between my children. I love them both, but in different ways.
Soloing on the warlock is the most fun I have on any of my damage dealers. I get to use a pet, and can heal myself using haunt, siphon life, and drain life. Who doesn't love a warlock in a group? You get summons, healthstones, and a soulstone. Also, with all my dots, I can do damage even when I'm moving and getting reset.
Before patch 3.0, trying to deal damage on a resto druid was painful. You had to switch out your gear and go in cat or bear, popping out to heal and hoping you didn't go out of mana before the mob went down. Now that spellpower is used for damage and healing, soloing on the druid is super-easy mode. I cast moonfire, then roll starfire and lifebloom. I rarely get below 75% health using this method. Plus, doing all the quests that require riding a dragon no longer contain the fear of dying from fall damage. If my combat vehicle dies, I hit flight form and fly away. I also have a distinct advantage in groups, since I can resurrect people in or out of combat.
Would I ever change my main character? It would depend on the needs of the guild. We all made our choices about what we wanted to raid in Wrath. I was willing to play the druid, but didn't have the confidence to say, "I can be a good healer." Now I can say, "I'm not a bad lock, but I'm a good healer." For now, I'm content with playing a warlock with a druid alt.

No Easy Answers

I made a death knight a few days ago, wondering if it might be a more forgiving toon for my to play. Plus, I was having a really bad day and having a dark toon just felt right. Going through the first 5 levels, I loved it. It is so easy to kill stuff quickly and unless you pull 10 mobs, survivability isn't usually an issue.
Yesterday, though, I realized that it's not that simple. I was trying to solo the drillmaster quest in Hellfire Peninsula and failing. I asked in guild if I should be able to solo it and the answer was yes, but move out of the whirlwind. Therein lies the problem. There are no classes that take the ability to react quickly out of the equation. Do I see this as a bad thing? No. The game is tuned to be challenging to the most skilled players while being enjoyable for everyone. Making it too easy would make it less fun. This knowledge, however, does help me realize that I'm on the right track.
Last night, while I was getting frustrated with the dk and not really finding heroics for the druid, I decided it was time to level the priest. Getting her out and questing with her, I realized two things. The first is, they either fixed the problems from the pre-Wrath patch or my skill gains with the lock are transferring to the priest. The second is, I am over the pain of the past two years. It feels very good to know that, while I will still work hard on my dps, looking back won't hurt any more.

The Power of Words

Yesterday, I was told by two separate guildies that I worry too much about my performance. The second friend spent some time talking to me about past history and why I feel the way I do. It really got me thinking about how powerful words are, especially in a MMO, where words are all we have.
Two years ago, I had the priviledge of hearing a talk by a motivational speaker and author named David Weber, who wrote a book called "Sticks and Stones: The Power of Words". In his book, he talks about two types of people, who he calls Frog Giggers and Frog Kissers. Gigging is a term used in the midwestern and southern US for capturing frogs and flounder by spearing them with a long stick. Frog giggers pull people down, while Frog kissers, like the princess in the fairy tale, build people up.
I've been in guilds where most of the officers and the top tier of players were Frog Giggers. All I heard from them was how I was not good enough at dps, healing, whatever. Sadly, those guilds never saw a good portion of content. I've also been experiencing what it's like to be in a guild full of Frog Kissers. With them, I've been able to do far more than I ever expected in this game, and the biggest encouragers of all are the three officers.
What does that mean for the leadership of a guild? Well, I'd say if you want to get the best out of your members, be a frog kisser. Put a priority on getting them into runs where they will succeed, and let them try to spread their wings and stretch themselves.

Valuing Myself

If last Tuesday was one of the best days I've had in weeks, yesterday was one of the worst. I do my best to keep up the sunny, happy persona that everybody loves, but the truth is, I'm caught in a major depressive episode, triggered by the stress of dealing with my father's illness and all of the complications involved. The first part of an episode is always the hardest, because you remember how it felt to be happy. So, I keep myself going until I feel I can take the time to get help for myself.
During times like these, as much as I'm struggling, WoW becomes my lifeline. There are people there who ask me to run stuff, and people who make me laugh without acting like they're trying to cheer me up.
One of the things I struggle with is learning to value who I am and the contributions I make. I may not have stellar dps, but I do very well with what I have to work with. I'm willing to run instances to help people out. I'm willing to come in and step out depending on the guild needs. In short, I'm a member of a team of people, and I'm willing and able to support the team. That, in itself, is valuable.

Does Character Matter?

Two exciting things happened last night: my husband (and I, over his shoulder) got his first look at Hodir on the PTR, and I confirmed that I can consistently do 2.5k dps. The Hodir fight contains the most annoying parts of Keristraza, Gruul, and KT, plus some extras that will be fun to learn to manage. 2.5k dps would be acceptable and valued in a lot of guilds, and I know I can improve.
A conversation came up last night that got me thinking about the importance of character in WoW. I'm not going to go into details of the conversation, just my thoughts. In an MMO, you are playing with people from all different viewpoints, which is one of the things that makes it fun for me. Some people don't care about character, as long as bosses go down. I do.
When I look at character, especially as it relates to WoW, there are a couple of things I look at. The first is: do you put your ego aside when you need to? I play with people who have huge egos, and my ego is pretty large as well. That's how I made it through engineering school as a disabled female, and that's what drives me to improve my dps. However, if my ego gets in the way of helping the guild, or just being a decent person, I need to set it aside. Similarly, the people I value most bite back comments that they realize will be hurtful.
Secondly, how do you treat those with less skill than you? Are you willing to reach out to someone who needs help with advice and encouragement? If someone comes to you, will you answer their questions without being condescending?
To me, character matters because without it, you lose yourself. Plus, character is attractive. Do you want people in your guild because they like you and want to follow you, or do you want them just to kill bosses and pick up loot?

Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance?

I'm up early for work, checked the update website, and found that the project was cancelled. Bummer. I'm thinking about crawling back in bed, but I'm not sure I really want to wake Bry up with bad news, especially since last night I did what I thought I wouldn't, and told him that this wonderful 4-month respite from my depression appears to be over.
This weekend has been interesting. I've mostly been running with alts and pugs, and I've confirmed that damage potential is not infinite, and what the damage meter shows is how much of the pie you can snag. Yesterday, I got into a conversation with the main tank and one of the mages that made me realize that I don't know as much about neurotypical people as I thought I did, in particular, how fast they can react to things. I mean, I've watched Bry raid, but it didn't click with me somehow until they were talking about choosing spells based on procs without using a conditional macro.
This led me to an interesting conclusion: If I went to a more casual raiding guild, I would probably be one of the top dpsers, similar to the situation I was in when I left the last raiding guild I was in. There are probably people outside of CRC who look at my guild tag and think I don't belong there.
So I asked myself why I felt that I belonged in CRC. Truthfully, the last time I really wasn't sure if I belonged or not was when my guild rank was New Recruit. The officers saw me raid (and these were the Mount Hyjal/Black Temple days, where it was impossible to hide the effects of my disability) and promoted me to Raid Member anyway. My guildies know my limitations, and invite me to groups, the officers give me opportunities to get in and work on my gameplay when they can, and most humbling, I know of 5 guildies who read and/or follow this blog.
In short, I belong because they make me belong, and that's enough. I would not be happy in another guild, and I know it. So I muddle along, and push myself to be the best raider I can be. I do it for me, of course, but I also do it for them. /salute