Theorycrafting and the Disabled Gamer

After a pug Ony 25, I decided to pose a "trick" question to a couple of the guys in the guild. I say "trick", because it's not easy to be asked your opinion of someone's dps when you know your answer might hurt their feelings. Still, it's easier to hear "I expect pugs to be able to pull 4k dps in ToC 25" from someone who knows your story and cares about you, which is why I ask the difficult questions to the people I am closest to. The ensuing conversation led me to download the latest version of Rawr and take a hard look at what a simulation says my dps should be and how I should be playing. I've also looked at Elitist Jerks for their take on it.
The hard truth is that the dps potential for me as a balance druid is around 5k fully 25-man raid buffed. Realistically, I can get between 3 and 4k. Granted, a balance druid's dps is entirely dependent on how much Eclipse procs, but still, 5k would not be unreasonable if I did not have the limitations I do. Given the fact that there is a disconnect between what I can do and what I should do, it's no wonder I've shied away from theorycrafting.
I've decided that needs to stop. I can only do what I can do, but there is no harm in trying to understand game mechanics so I can use them to my advantage, just like I use the laws of physics to deal with real life challenges.
I'm going to take the conventional wisdom type advice from Elitist Jerks and Rawr, and do some testing on target dummies. One question I have is if my current rotation of Moonfire>Insect Swarm>Wrath until eclipse is the best, or if IS should be first. Another question is that I don't generally waste a global cooldown by refreshing MF and IS during an eclipse, is that the right decision? We'll see how things go.

Finding the Courage to Pug

Sunday night, after I finished making dinner, I decided to hang out in Dalaran a while. The fishing daily was Jewel of the Sewers, and I thought it might be a good way to level fishing on the druid (as opposed to hanging out in Orgrimmar or Ironforge, trying to catch Old Crafty or Old Ironjaw, like I did on the lock). I ended up finding a 10 man Ony pug, and a 10 man ToC pug.
Pugging with strangers is completely different than pugging with my guildies. In the guild, I'm treated like a sister. The guys will give me as much shit as they think they can without looking like jerks, but if anyone from outside says anything, they immediately close ranks around me. So, going off on my own while they were in Ulduar took a little bit of courage. Still, if I want to do 10-mans, and really see where the barriers are, I have to pug.
Overall, it went pretty well. I didn't blow anyone away with my dps, but I did outdps the tanks. Yesterday, in a VoA 10 pug, I was able to outdamage a rogue, and almost outdpsed him.
The most important thing is that I came out of the experience at the end of the raid week feeling positive about myself. That is win.

A House Divided

Last night, it was 15 minutes past invite time, 15 minutes until raid, when I got home from taking my son to practice. As we settled in to see what was going on, Oct made a revelation: he was considering a faction change. He had stumbled upon a guild website, saw that they were recruiting a fire mage, and talked to the GM. His only concern was not being able to take me with him, which really doesn't matter; he couldn't take me to Conviction either, and that worked out okay.

So he's gone, and I'm a little sad. I miss being able to whisper him when he's raiding and can't hear with his headset on. However, the raid times work a lot better for when I need him to deal with parenting stuff, and he's been looking for a guild like Escalation for a long time.

Where does that leave me? Right where I am. I have no desire to leave my friends, so I intend to stay, at least until I see how things shake out. At least now if I get passed over for pugs, I won't have to know that Oct was asked first, and that I wasn't wanted.

Doing great, but not good enough?

Day off today, after two straight days of working. I'm on my feet all day when I work, so after a couple of days, my hips start to feel like they are filled with sand. I try to keep pushing and get as much work done around the house as I can, but the question always comes to my mind, "how many years do I have left that I can do this?" When I was turning 30, I wasn't sure how much mobility I'd have at 40. Now with 40 just around the corner, I know I will greet next January able to walk, but I also know I'll be lucky to have 10 more years before it's time to look at mobility aids beyond the bright blue cane that I use around the house occasionally.

Like I said before, real life is intruding upon on the guild in a major way. Almost a quarter of our raiding core is in the process of some sort of positive life change right now. This means I'm getting to raid more, but it also means I'm finding myself in places I was never expecting to be.

Last night, the guild was working on Hodir hard mode. Dev and I pretty much had an unspoken agreement that I would not be in for this fight. However, since we had four mages, two warlocks, two elemental shamans, and two hunters, it made sense to go for it.

The Hodir hard mode achievement requires buff and debuff management and killer dps. Ironically, since breaking out the NPC's is a higher priority in hard mode, and standing in toasty fire is essential, I had that buff for most of the fight on all attempts, and that allowed me to do well over 5000 dps, and thanks to storm cloud, I had some shadow bolts crit for over 30,000 damage.

After one attempt, Dev read off the ranged dps in order from greatest to least damage, in order to see what the tops dpsers were doing that the lower dpsers were not. I wasn't really feeling picked on at first, although I had to stop myself from saying "this is my first night of hard mode" in vent. I hate being taken to task over the damage meter like I'm not doing all I can, and I had to say to myself, "Car, if you want Dev and Larry to treat you like a normal raider, you can't get defensive when they do." As Dev was asking what Flip and I weren't doing that everyone else was, I heard one of the guys say, "Wait a second, Carol did 5800 dps on that fight, she's doing great." There was not an ounce of pity in his voice, just an acknowledgement of the journey, and the fact that I worked just as hard for my 5800 as Tide did for his 14000.

As my and Flip's spec was being discussed (we play the same spec because we like it and it works) and Oct was increasingly getting concerned that I was going to get all upset and cry or raise my voice in vent, I was able to stay calm. Conventional wisdom says destro>affliction for that fight. Conventional wisdom doesn't know me or what I can do. Can I do enough dps for hard mode? I don't know. Will I get the chance to try? I hope so. Will we realize that we influence what other people can do on this fight? I hope that too.

There's a bit of "if I knew then what I know now" in my reflecting on the Hodir fight in general. When I was begging for help on the forums, no one said, "we can make the mages a priority so you should be able to get close to a toasty fire." A change made to benefit my dps would benefit everyone, not just me. Maybe I should have been more assertive, I don't know. It's just hard to realize how a small change could have made all the difference for me, and painful to feel like I wasn't important enough to help. That sounds harsh, I know, but take it for what it's worth.

Druids and Pugs, revisited

Well, another raid week has come and gone without me stepping foot in Ulduar, except this week it was work and parenting conflicts that kept me out. I've done a little bit of pugging on the druid this week, and got some good upgrades out of Naxx. I'm still fooling with my spell rotation a bit, and realized that I had part of it backwards.
Pugs are funny entities. On my server, a lot of the Naxx pugs, and even some Ulduar 10 pugs, are being run by casual guilds. This isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but it does lead to some sloppy and inefficient raid behavior. I have some thoughts for anyone who wants to pug:

• If you are the raid leader, checking gear scores on alts is a waste of time. Especially if the person is in a guild that has killed Yogg-Saron in heroic, they probably know what they're doing and their main could kick your ass.
• Along with that, members of top raiding guilds are generally safe invites. They generally will respect others (as long as they aren't complete idiots who can't take constructive criticism), won't ninja-afk, and will roll only on upgrades. Plus, officers and members of raiding guilds have an image to maintain, so they take complaints about ninjas seriously (Boom and Dev, correct me if I'm wrong on this pl0x).
• If you want to be the raid leader, step up and lead, or people will walk all over you and you will have a train wreck on your hands. I don't raid lead anymore because I have so many friends that do it better, I make them leader even if I start invites.
• Don't post the damage meter in raid after every boss fight. Better yet, don't post it at all. If someone is struggling, putting him or her down won't help, and it's awfully annoying.
• Run a boss mod, either Deadly Boss Mods or BigWigs. I don't care how bad your computer is, unless you have amazing reflexes, you need the warnings. If you computer can't support it, you have no business raiding.
• If you need to go afk, don't do it right before a boss kill. That wastes everyone's time, and can kill a pug. Also, make sure you let the raid leader know, and apologize to everyone.
• Fly to the instance. If you are in the old world and your hearth is down, you may respectfully ask for a summon while apologizing for the inconvenience. And if someone gets there first and summons you before you start flying, say thank you.
• Remember your manners. The players I truly respect and admire in this game are the ones that are polite as well as skilled. I look very closely at how people treat me.
• Only roll on loot that you really need, and if you are getting a lot of loot, it's time to stop rolling.

Happy raiding!

This wasn't what I meant when I talked about finding a balance!

Last night, Dev was talking to me before raid about possibly having to switch me out for the Yogg fight, and out of the blue said, "I want you to research boomkin. I think it might be easier and it might let me get you in more." So after raid, I went to Elitist Jerks and did enough reading to realize that this might actually work for me. I respecced and bought new glyphs today. In the little bit of playing around on the target dummy that I did (while realizing that my tier gear is all wrong for moonkin), I realized that this really does have potential. I'm not saying I don't want to play my warlock anymore (all those achievements!), but I'd like to explore the druid as long as it fills a need within the guild.

10-man Ulduar clear!

The night after downing Yogg in heroic mode, I had the chance to go in and finish a 10-man Ulduar run that had been started earlier. Honestly, I wasn't feeling too good about it. There's been a lot of talk lately about recruiting another boomkin or shadow priest for the hit buff, but we have so many dpsers now that we can't take all of them in. I'm concerned that if we recruit another ranged dps, there will be no more room for me. I'm taking this whole situation incredibly personally, and am glad that Dev has said that recruitment stays closed.

We got a little bit of a late start, and there were a few bumps in the road along the way. It is so hard for me to not blame myself and not feel like I completely fail in a group. It's hard to feel like everyone is looking at me like I can't execute. Sometimes playing a MMO takes me back 30 years, and brings up painful memories of growing up disabled in a nondisabled world. The people around me who get it give me a precious gift in their understanding.

On our last attempt, we got Yogg-Saron down. No tears this time, just relief. There are still a lot of times when there is a disconnect between my raiding behavior and what my brain will let me do. I know I'm in the guild where I belong, but sometimes I wonder if I should be in a guild where I can contribute more. In the end, I'm here, and unless Dev tells me he wants me out of the raiding core (or hell freezes over), here I will stay.

Ulduar is no longer a Secret!

We did it! We got everyone through Ulduar. The tears that didn't come when I took this screenshot are coming now. I knew this would be the week Thursday night, when Dem had to sub me out for Freya, and let me know by saying, "I will get you back in for Yogg."
All the hard conversations I've had over the past five or six months with Dem and Boom culminated in Boom and my positions being switched in the raid frame, and me coming in while he listened on vent. I can't say enough about those two young men who have taken the time to understand me and treat me with respect and dignity. Faced with the choice between what is right and what is easy, they have chosen to acknowledge my contributions to the success of the guild by letting me maintain my raid spot and get the achievements I have helped the guild attain.
It's been a rough road, and a journey I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to make. Thanks to all of CRC for making this happen! Special thanks to a couple of very special guys who convinced me to stick with the guild when I was wanting to quit pre-Ulduar (and who are probably not reading this anyway).
Onward and upward! ::::Gets out pompoms for cheering on hard modes::::

Switching Up

Note: This entry was started Thursday night and finished Friday morning.

Thursday's raid was the most fun I've had in a while. Dev decided to switch people in and out since it was a regular mode night, and I got to be in for most of the raid. I am 5 emblems of Conquest away from my chest tier token aka 4 piece bonus, since I got the shoulders on Monday night. I also had a good email about my dad from my sister, and I have a job interview tomorrow.

Boom made me laugh tonight - as we were clearing to Vezax, he sent me a tell asking if I would mind stepping out for one of the rogues to come in, so we would have two kicks. I wasn't volunteering to step out because I figured after yesterday's rant, Dev would kill me if I did. Anyway, I sent Boom a tell back saying np, and asking him if he was seriously asking. His response was "I didn't want to be an ass about it." There is something endearing about how tenderhearted the guild officers can be sometimes.

I had a conversation with Dev Thursday night where he came the closest he ever has to telling me that there are encounters he will never put me in, specifically, hard-mode encounters. I'm not sure he will ever directly say that because we've had so many conversations about how my contributions to the guild go beyond my dps, and I don't react well to feeling reduced to a number on a meter. I don't envy Dev's position if hard modes and Algalon play out the way he thinks they will. One of the core philosophies of the guild is that we win or lose as a team. How do you keep that teamwork when you have raid members that can't be in certain encounters?

This is not a question that there is an easy answer to, and it provoked a question in my mind as to whether I'm still contributing even if I'm not in on hard mode fights, and if this is still the guild where I belong. The truth hit me in a blinding flash of insight this morning. All I was really hoping to do in Ulduar was beat Yogg. There will probably be a time when that will happen. As to where I belong, if anyone thinks I'm not good enough for the guild, they have not said it, at least not to me. As far as contributing, 3000 dps is better than nothing, and the value of support is impossible to measure.

Orbital Defense and Keepers!

Monday night, I went in to 10-man Ulduar and got my tier helm token, so I didn't need the emblems of conquest as much, but still wanted to raid this week of course. Dem and I had talked about the fact that I would get in this week, and as always, he was true to his word.
We decided to do Flame Leviathan with the Freya tower up, which is the hardest to manage because of adds. Dem went through who would drive and who would gun (I can appreciate him not having me drive, I do decently but not the best), and I was quite flattered when he assigned me to gun for him. We had a few bumps in the road, mostly involving people not completely being on the same page with strategy (I was so glad I had gone to Tankspot yesterday and looked at Ciderhelm's video), but we got it down! We were rewarded with fragments off the first 3 bosses.
We cleared the Siege and Antechamber, and did Mimiron as the first keeper. Flip was in the raid, so I wasn't tanking. I died to mines while trying to avoid laser barrage, but we got him down. That gave me the keepers of Ulduar achievement! The one thing that could have gone better was the management of Bomb Bots. I had my macro set to target one, cast corruption, and target last target, so I don't even see if they are in range for me to hit. I changed the macro to take out the target last target, so at least now I will know if I'm hitting it, so the melee doesn't have to run to it.
I'm not dying very much at all anymore, and on most fights, I do pretty consistent 3k dps. The fights I don't are fights in which there are a lot of adds, which probably get burned down before my dots can do much to them. I know that on the Hodir fight, right now I don't need to be in for hard mode, for two reasons. First, I've not broken 4k dps on any fight in Ulduar, as documented by WMO reports. Secondly, I can't guarantee that I will never have more than 2 stacks of Biting Cold on me at any time. There's part of me that says, "How will I get better if I don't get in to practice?" The answer is 10-mans and the fact that things happen and you never know when you will be needed for a raid.
At one point between Thorim attempts, I got a tell from Dem asking if I had enough badges for my tier helm or chest. I reminded him that I had gotten my head Monday night and asked him if that was the only reason he kept me in. He replied, "No, I told you I'd get you in this week." Still, it's nice to have a GM/Raid Leader who cares about what all 30 of his raiders need. The top players in each role are always going to get what they need, just by virtue of always getting spots. It takes a lot of character to look at someone who struggles, but is always there, and say, "You are not forgotten."

Loremaster of Eastern Kingdoms!

I haven't been posting much lately. Real life has hit me in a very real way lately, so I've had to focus on that. I'm realizing how deep my feelings of not being able to measure up are, and the very real impact they have on my marriage.

I got Loremaster of Eastern Kingdoms Saturday morning, while the guild slept and Oct worked on his horde mage. I'm less than 100 quests away from the Seeker title, and then it's a long road to Loremaster.

Last night, Clan Redundancy Clan became the 5th alliance guild and the 7th guild on Turalyon to down Yogg-Saron. Grats to the raid team! I was sitting on the bench, questing and wondering if I'd be needed.

It's exciting to me that we can fill our raids and have a bench, since when we downed Archimonde, we were barely filling out raids. I give Dem a lot of credit for building the guild into such a strong team.

It was kind of interesting to have a week where I didn't get into a 25 man raid at all, but it was a good break. I'm looking forward to getting in on some hard modes, getting enough badges for my tier 8 helm, and killing Mimiron and Yogg.

I am not the stumbling block!

"I won't be the last one in line. I finally figured out what's mine." - Shinedown, Breaking Inside

Last night we tried for a 25-man alt Naxx, but didn't have enough, so some of us continued a 10-man Ulduar from earlier this week. Iron Council took us a couple of attempts to get, but we got it and I could see the death runes. I also got a new set of bracers. I'm exchanging hit for spellpower, but it's working for now. Freya went pretty smoothly. I was the only lock, and Oct was the only mage, so we were on crowd control for the adds. I was really pleased with how I did on banishing. Grats, Baby, on your fourth piece of T8!
On to Mimiron, and as the sole warlock, I knew I would have to tank. Luckily, Flip was in on his DK, so he was available to give me advice. It went okay, except I was having trouble reacting to the runes. The changes they are making to the rockets will help immensely with that, so I guess I can be happy about that nerf. No, I don't usually like it when bosses are nerfed. Easy-to-kill does not equal accessible. Sometimes it just means that people who don't put the work in can reap the rewards anyway, and sometimes it really isn't a help for those of us that have worked at learning the boss.
At any rate, I successfully tanked phase 3 a couple of times, only to have us fail in phase 4. I learned something in our attempts though. First of all, there are times when I am so overwhelmed that my reaction time slows down to keep me from completely freezing up. I also learned that if we can't get a boss, it's not always me. I'm so conditioned to being replaced that the first person I look to blame is myself. That's not a bad thing if I'm seeing things that I can do better, but it is if it means that I don't have the confidence to perform. In the end, I'm a better player than my disabilities let me be, and I can and will continue to overcome what I can to shine.

Falling down and getting up

I think that pretty much describes last night's raid. Yogg-Saron is not easy, that's why he's the last boss you can do without hard modes. I was reminded of something that Lootlegend of Aeon said to me a couple of weeks before they downed him, "Yogg is being a b****." Yes, he is.
Still, we got some very well-controlled phase 1 attempts, and one or two really good phase 2 attempts. I think it is realistic to say that we could see phase 3 next week.
We tried a new phase 1 strat last night where we were trying to move around as a group and avoid clouds while dpsing the mobs in the middle. I started getting very agitated, because it became clear to me very quickly that I could not succeed with that strategy. Several attempts with additional spawns later, we went back to our old strat of staying by the door, but instead of having a paladin tank stay at the door and the other tanks moving the guardians to the middle, all three of the tanks kept the same guardian and moved it to Sara to be killed. That worked really well, when the dps was well-controlled and no one accidentally spawned additional adds. Nothing wrong with trying a new strategy, but there's also no use in blaming your raid for being who they are.
One thing that I have seen on the two Yogg attempts I've been in on has been a bit of negativity in the core and leadership. I ended up accidentally spawning an add because, in moving away from a cloud, I didn't move towards the door when I should have and ended up squeezed between to clouds. That was my mistake and I owned up to it. What followed was comments implying that people didn't realize how serious accidentally spawning additional adds was. It wasn't directed at me personally, but it felt like it was, and I threw my headset on my desk and walked into the kitchen. Oct was in full elitist raider mode, and I can't talk to him when he's like that. I almost broke my rule about whining in raid chat last night, but I think Dem would have taken me up on gkicking me if I had. Came back to the computer, ported to Yogg's prison, and got ready to go. Tell from Flip, "just stay by the door" my response "I'm trying, i'm trying - why do people seem to think i'm ****ing up on purpose?" he said, "Carol, i don't think anyone thinks that." That calmed me down, as did the gentle tone in Dem's voice when he said, "Carol just let us know when you're ready" after I hit no on the ready check.
I think negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you assume that people aren't trying instead of believing the best, it stresses everyone out. Orbitz, who is now back to full-time raiding (yay!), made the comment to me about how quiet it was on vent. I told her it was because everyone was concentrating, and it was the same way in BT and Hyjal. Naxx never really stressed us the way Ulduar is. Yogg-Saron reminds me a lot of the Archimonde fight in the complexity and margin for error department. We just need to dig in, talk about what we can do better, share our challenges, and swallow our excuses.

My first look at Yogg

It's Memorial Day in the United States, a day to remember those who served in the military and the sacrifices they made. I'm remembering my mother-in-law, Connie, who served her country well without ever putting on a uniform, just by being an Army wife. To all our military personnel and their families, thank you.
Last night was another series of attempts on Yogg-Saron. We were a little short at the start, so I was in. The Yogg fight is all about control. You have to control dps, control where you stand, and control your damage and debuffs. As a person who deals with mental illness, I have to chuckle a bit at being told to watch my sanity. If only real life had sanity wells that you could just stand in and recover.
I'm always a little cautious at first in a fight where it's easy to wipe the raid. Phase 1 just means throw shadowbolts at guardians until they get around 30% health, then switch. Oh, and avoid the big clouds of yellow-green gas that are floating around. It's a bit frustrating to not be able to throw up all my dots, but controlled dps is something I can do well.
Phase 2 gets a little more complicated. The raid is split into two, there are tentacles that have to be burned down rather quickly, and there are debuffs and death rays to deal with. Still, we had some really good attempts.
I learned something very important last night. I can handle the Yogg fight. I was a little hesitant to mention that to Dev, thinking that his reaction might be, "yeah, that's great, Carol, you can handle it, now what about this other stuff that is killing us." The thing is, if we have nights when we're short, I can come in and that is good to know.

Coming Home

"So I'm coming home, lost on a road I don't belong" - Alter Bridge, Coming Home

Yesterday was a sad day in our house from a WoW standpoint. Turalyon server saw Conviction, one of the guilds that was pushing to clear Ulduar, decide to stop raiding, a victim of real life and raider burnout. Conviction was one of my favorite guilds to pug with, and I will miss them. I'm also watching the man I love grieve the loss of his guild, even as he comes home to CRC.
Yes, we filled our mage slot with the man known as "Carol's husband". I left the house for a meeting when Oct was running an errand pre-raid, and came home to him telling me that Conviction disbanded. After some banter back and forth about where he was going and wondering if I needed to have a talk with Dem, I looked closely at guild chat on his screen and realized where he was. He was welcomed back into the fold, and immediately asked mage questions.
I wasn't sure how I would feel about Oct coming back. I thought he would after one of his friends server transferred, so it wasn't a huge surprise. He loved being in CRC, and the best way to impress a married man is to treat his wife well. I just wasn't expecting it to happen like this. Anyway, I'm okay with it, but it is going to make me want to raid again. There's something about being part of a team with your spouse that is absolutely awesome.
Oh, grats to the 10-man team last night for downing Vezax!

Cheering friends on!

I have to start today's blog with some major congratulations.
First off, Grats to CRC for downing General Vezax and getting into Phase 2 of the Yogg-Saron fight. Props to Dem for having the wisdom to make everyone take a break and watch the first part of the StratFu video when it became obvious that there were a lot of people who didn't know what was going on. I am so proud of you guys.
Next, grats to Just Wipe It and Escalation for being the next alliance and horde guilds to kill Yogg-Saron. Good job!
I wasn't sure what it would be like dealing with my new role in CRC. Would I miss being a Raid Member, or would being a standby feel okay? I was in a good bit of pain yesterday, which I don't deal with well. My left hand holds tension in an odd way when I raid, and depression can also contribute to joint pain, so my hands were hurting. Naproxen wasn't touching the pain, but after a bit of whining, Oct found his travel first-aid kit so I could get some tylenol. That made it bearable, and I could at least finish my tournament dailies.
I have to say, it was really nice being able to finish making dinner and eating without having to be right at my computer at 6:30 to grab my invite. I let Dem know that I was staying close by just in case the raid didn't fill up, but it did, which was cool. I was able to relax, finish my dailies, and get some old world dungeon achievements done while working on a low-level warlock quest.
I still think I did the right thing asking for this demotion, and am happy that my guildies are letting me be selfish and do it.

How bad do you want it?

Four alliance guilds are chasing after a Yogg-Saron kill this week, and a few of them are getting close. CRC should be able to get Vezax down this week, if we all pay attention and work hard. I think a lot of the guilds working on the Descent into Madness bosses are seeing some conflicts regarding members being prepared for raids. To those guilds, I ask, "How bad do you want it?"
I want to see CRC kill Vezax and Yogg, whether I'm in the raid or not. I know we have the people to do it.
It's so different being in a guild where my efforts are noticed and appreciated. I just wish that I could see the same return that others do.
So, what do I do to prepare for raids?

1. Look at strats, especially if one is recommended by someone else in the guild. StratFu and TankSpot appear to be the top places to go for Ulduar raid videos. I can't say enough nice things about the work Fusion does, as long as they are not killing me in Wintergrasp.
2. Make sure I have what I need. Feasts, flasks, pots, and shards are necessary equipment for me. If I'm doing Hodir, I need my frost resist. Even when our healers are better geared, I really don't see me being able to survive the fight without it.
3. Be on time. Invites go out at 6:30 pm and I'm there, ready to hop on a griffon. I know there are people who don't get out of work until later, but they are always ready to go as soon as they log on, and it is greatly appreciated.
4. Make sure my addons are up to date. These are the tools to help you succeed, and the developers update them whenever they see something that needs to be changed.
5. Speak when I need to, but know when to be quiet.
6. Don't whine in raid chat EVER. Dem has my permission to /gkick me and not invite me back if I fall into that trap.
7. Participate in post-wipe discussions IF you have something useful to say. And yes, "I'm sorry I stood in a rune" is useful. It lets your guildies know that you know what you did, you understand the impact of it, and you will try to keep it from happening again.
8. Be willing to take constructive criticism. Also, if you are in a position to give it, keep it constructive.
9. Have fun!

I refuse to cut myself some slack!

So, I was chatting with a couple of my guildies today, and in two separate conversations, at different times of the day, Thursday night's raid came up. One of the things I mentioned was that no one called me on how many times I died to standing in runes. The response from both of them was "cut yourself some slack". I love these guys, I respect these guys, but I can't do it. One of them talked about how little I'd seen those fights, but I'd been in them before, and I've survived those fights before. There is no excuse for me not seeing them and moving.
I think some of the reason it bothers me when people tell me to cut myself some slack is that it reminds me of the tendency of nondisabled people to be patronizing when it comes to the effects of my disability. I remember when I was in elementary school and we would have to run the 50-yard dash (yes, I could run, and I still could if the years of trying to pass weren't taking their toll). It seemed that no matter what my time was (and it was always several seconds behind the other kids), the response I would get was, "That's good, for you." I always felt that they were saying, "If it was my time I'd be upset, but it's good enough for the handicapped girl." It just feels like a double standard, and I hate double standards.
One thing that each of them said, and I do appreciate it, was how much other people were failing also. Well, what's their excuse? I know I can avoid the painful runes and stand in the ones on Iron Council that increase my dps. I know how to do that and I've done it before. If I can't avoid a one-shot where I have warning, what right do I have to be there? If I can't contribute to the kill, I'm letting my guildies down, plain and simple.

Raiding as a Social

I couldn't write yesterday, I was too upset. Wednesday afternoon I was driving my son into the city for an appointment, and I got a text from my sister letting me know that my dad's red blood cell count was low, and he was in the hospital for transfusions, steroids, and antibiotics to combat an infection. My dad has lived with leukemia for 30 years, and anytime he is sick, there is always the worry that he won't be able to fight it off. After exchanging texts with my sister assuring me that I wasn't needed, I was able to fight the urge to pack my bags, kiss my husband and kids, and drive down to Mom and Dad's. It did, however, confirm for me that going to the rank of Social Member was the right decision.

My decision to be demoted has been met with love and support, and people telling me to come back to Raid Member soon. The primary reaction, especially from those closest to me, has been, "If this is what you need to get through this time, I support you." Amid all the stress and pain, a friend from AbleGamers made a death knight on Turalyon and joined the guild. It really brightened my spirits to have him here.

As I said before, yesterday was difficult. I was managing to do housework, and I was on WoW trying to do dailies, but I couldn't concentrate. One of the guys recognized that I was trying to keep myself busy and not accomplishing much, and sent me a tell asking to run heroic Setthek on my druid for the Raven Lord mount. Once we got on vent, he gave me a chance to talk about what was wrong and cry on his shoulder a little bit.

When I got on WoW after scouts last night, I was the 25th guild member on, and they were fighting Freya. I flew to Ulduar while they were downing her, then sent Dem a tell, "I'm right outside if you need me." Went in and downed Iron Council, despite dying to a death rune. Gotta love failing to move out of something when you see it in large blue type flashing across your screen.

As we were setting up for Mimiron, Flip asked me to send him my damage meter since I was in. Well, I got the report set up to show my damage, but forgot to check "whisper" and type his name. Default is /s, so I spammed the raid with it. I said, "oops, meant to send that as a tell" and I immediately got demoted. I said, in vent, "The real question is, what do you promote me back to?" You can see his answer here. Laughter is good for the soul, and my guildies find ways to lift my spirit without making me feel like I have to cheer up to make them feel better.

Mimiron did not go well at first. I died to rockets twice, and I have no idea why I didn't see the runes. I've not killed Mimiron on heroic, and I need him for the Keepers of Ulduar achievement, yet when another raider signed on, I gave Dem a nudge to bring him in and sit me, even though he would have let me stay. I appreciate being a part of the raiding core, but at some point, replacing me for someone who (a) isn't probably going to stand in runes, and (b) has the ability to self-resurrect, makes sense.

The thing I came away with last night was that I did not feel marginalized, and I hope that I proved my point that I'm not abandoning my guild. Being a social member takes some of the pressure off, and I appreciate Dem for letting me do it.

The Siege of Ulduar!

New start to the raid week, and two new achievements. We went in as a raid and won Wintergrasp, then defeated Emalon the Storm Watcher. First time for me in heroic mode, and 3.6K personal dps. Stepped out for Ulduar so we could get more dps in, and went off to do dailies. One of our members was having computer trouble, so I subbed in for Ignis and Deconstructor. I got into the instance and was getting myself buffed when Dem did the ready check. I'm proud of myself, I hit no. I said, "Guys I have never ever been in on this fight, but I have read about it. What do I need to know?" Got all set and said, "Let's go."

We wiped once, but then got him down. I was so happy, and got a new wand. Deconstructor went off without a hitch, although it was extremely difficult for me and I went out of healing range once when I got light bombed. I am pretty good at using my tricks to heal myself though, and as a warlock, I have plenty.

Last night's events were particularly sweet because it was my last night as a Raid Member of Clan Redundancy Clan, at least for a while. Dem finally understands that it's no longer about trying to protect him and Boom, I know they have broad shoulders and can handle asking me to sit. It's that every time I'm asked to sit, I'm reminded of where my deficits are. That is incredibly stressful at a time in my life where the stress already seems overwhelming.

This morning, Dem demoted me to Social Member, and I explained it to the guild in a forum post. It doesn't change who I am, how I feel about raiding, or my commitment to the guild. It just makes Tuesday and Sunday nights a little easier for me to deal with.