Oh, the times, they are a-changin'

Faction transfers went live this week, and it's going to change the complexion of my guild, even more than it already has due to real life. It's no longer a nuturing home for me, where I know that I will get invites not because I'm pro, but because I'm fun and giving and caring.

In the past couple of weeks, I have learned some hard truths about the current leadership of the guild. When an officer pulls in pugs rather than wait 5 minutes for me to come back from being afk, but is willing to wait 15 minutes for one of the leet dpsers rather than pull me in, what am I supposed to think?

Like I said, the guild is changing, and yet, the friendships I've made haven't. People who have left the guild still read this blog (hi qtpis), as do people who have retired from raiding (I'm trying to keep this as positive as I can for you). The thing that keeps this whole situation from feeling like the one I left a year and a half ago is that people do care. People who came on last night to check in before retiring or switching to horde took the time to whisper and say goodbye.

Oct and I both got trophies for tier 9 Tuesday night, and that makes me feel a little guilty about what I want to do, which is focus on the paladin. Honestly, though, if I look at why I'm not having fun on the lock, I feel like I don't owe the guild anything. Tonight when I get home from running kids, I'm not even sure I'll log on to her, unless someone asks Oct to have me do it.

Those of you who do care, and have given me your shoulders to cry on, thank you. Dev and Boom, love you guys, appreciate your leadership even when I gave you grief, and wish both of you continued success in real life.

"It's Only a Game"

That's what Bryan said to me last night, when I was fuming about something or other that happened in game. My response to him was, "That's easy for you to say, you have been getting invites to work on achievements you don't even need." Eventually, I think he realized that my mood was more the product of my aching legs than taking the game too seriously and he backed off to let me work through it.

It seems to me that the phrase, "it's only a game" is used to justify mistreating someone. As a dear friend remarked yesterday, when I was asking her if my recent posts have been too harsh on certain people, sometimes players forget that there is a real person behind the avatar.

I am a real person with real feelings, and those I game with have a choice in how they treat me. They can be one more person who finds it necessary to hurt me because I'm different, or they can be the one who lets me know that despite all my flaws, I'm worth having around.

Left in the Dust

It's been a while since I've done an all-out bitch post, for a couple of reasons. One, there hasn't been much for me to bitch about, and Two, I always risk offending someone I really care about as a friend when I do it. Considering I actually went to the realm forums last night to see if any guilds are recruiting warlocks, I'd say it's worth that risk.

Before I go into what happened last night, I will say that I have had some scary emails from my sister over the past two weeks. My dad's white blood cells are at a point where his body cannot fight off infection, and she finally admitted to me that she is scared, so I know my fears are justified. I've known for 30 years that a simple infection could get out of control fast, but it's never been as real as it is now. I actually was in tears picking out a Father's Day card for him today, because I am so scared that this will be his last one.

Okay, last night. I had signed up early, and when I checked, was still listed as accepted, rather than standby. Go pick up my son from cross-country practice, come home and see Oct at Ulduar. Whisper Dem for an invite as I scroll up to see where I missed mine. No invite. Check the calendar, I'm listed as standby. Whisper Dem again, angry. No answer. Ask myself if I really want to quit a guild that I've been in for almost a year and has so many people I care about. The answer, plus the thought of a wall of pink text that would ensue, kept me from acting too hastily. I listened to the FL kill with two towers up, and couldn't do any more. By this point, it was all I could do to concentrate on questing in Silithus, and I kept alt-tabbing to read my sister's emails. At one point, we lost all our cable service, including internet, so I was able to discuss what was going on with my dad with Bryan and cry in his arms.

I feel like I'm being left behind in the guild. I feel like there is a whole tier of people that are the golden children, and I am the person they call on when they can't get anyone else. Sometimes it feels like progress gets ahead of people, and I'm not important. I understand that we have to progress and hard decisions have to be made, but I resent always being last. Oct doesn't understand, and I doubt he ever will.

Dammit, I'm not a horrible player, so why can't you get me in on the fights where I do well, even if I have to sit later? Why can't you at least let me try Hodir, since at this point the experience and gear gap is going to make it so I can't come in before too long? And why do I feel like I'm being thrown a bone every time I'm asked to come in?

All you have to do is...

Major, major rant forthcoming. Toes will be stepped on, I promise. Now that I've warned you, here goes.
Why do nondisabled people always assume that just because something seems easy for you, it should be easy for me? Encounters where there is a biting cold debuff (stacking debuff, increases damage and eventually will freeze you in place) are a prime example.
The only way to remove the debuff is to move. So you cast and jump, or cast and strafe. Sounds pretty easy, right?
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! It messes up my rhythm and my spell rotation. I have to think about every little thing I'm doing, and that takes time. My dps is lowered and my frustration and chance of dying increase.
It's not simple for me, it's not. Would you like to borrow my brain so you can see how hard it is? Would you like to be super-intelligent so you know every little way that your brain is failing you? I know you're trying to help, but I am not you and I can't do what you do!
Coming back Sunday morning after a good night's sleep, not to edit the rant, but to add the positive spin:
The above rant is indicative of what happens in my mind when I'm struggling, particularily when people want to pretend my disabilities don't exist, because it makes them feel better. (ooooh, that was kind of harsh too, I'm not sorry) There are four guys in the guild that I will always listen to for feedback for the simple reason that they do whatever they can to understand what is going on in my brain. Cinnas, Flip, Dem, and Med, *hugs* and <3. That's not to say that other people don't help or don't understand, it's just when I'm talking to one of them, I really get the sense that they are trying to look at the situation from my point of view and that's not easy. I may never get the Biting Cold achievement in Nexus, and that's okay. What's not okay is assuming that just because the solution is simple, it's easy to execute. Nothing in this game is easy for me, but that's what makes it so rewarding.

How bad do you want it?

Four alliance guilds are chasing after a Yogg-Saron kill this week, and a few of them are getting close. CRC should be able to get Vezax down this week, if we all pay attention and work hard. I think a lot of the guilds working on the Descent into Madness bosses are seeing some conflicts regarding members being prepared for raids. To those guilds, I ask, "How bad do you want it?"
I want to see CRC kill Vezax and Yogg, whether I'm in the raid or not. I know we have the people to do it.
It's so different being in a guild where my efforts are noticed and appreciated. I just wish that I could see the same return that others do.
So, what do I do to prepare for raids?

1. Look at strats, especially if one is recommended by someone else in the guild. StratFu and TankSpot appear to be the top places to go for Ulduar raid videos. I can't say enough nice things about the work Fusion does, as long as they are not killing me in Wintergrasp.
2. Make sure I have what I need. Feasts, flasks, pots, and shards are necessary equipment for me. If I'm doing Hodir, I need my frost resist. Even when our healers are better geared, I really don't see me being able to survive the fight without it.
3. Be on time. Invites go out at 6:30 pm and I'm there, ready to hop on a griffon. I know there are people who don't get out of work until later, but they are always ready to go as soon as they log on, and it is greatly appreciated.
4. Make sure my addons are up to date. These are the tools to help you succeed, and the developers update them whenever they see something that needs to be changed.
5. Speak when I need to, but know when to be quiet.
6. Don't whine in raid chat EVER. Dem has my permission to /gkick me and not invite me back if I fall into that trap.
7. Participate in post-wipe discussions IF you have something useful to say. And yes, "I'm sorry I stood in a rune" is useful. It lets your guildies know that you know what you did, you understand the impact of it, and you will try to keep it from happening again.
8. Be willing to take constructive criticism. Also, if you are in a position to give it, keep it constructive.
9. Have fun!

I refuse to cut myself some slack!

So, I was chatting with a couple of my guildies today, and in two separate conversations, at different times of the day, Thursday night's raid came up. One of the things I mentioned was that no one called me on how many times I died to standing in runes. The response from both of them was "cut yourself some slack". I love these guys, I respect these guys, but I can't do it. One of them talked about how little I'd seen those fights, but I'd been in them before, and I've survived those fights before. There is no excuse for me not seeing them and moving.
I think some of the reason it bothers me when people tell me to cut myself some slack is that it reminds me of the tendency of nondisabled people to be patronizing when it comes to the effects of my disability. I remember when I was in elementary school and we would have to run the 50-yard dash (yes, I could run, and I still could if the years of trying to pass weren't taking their toll). It seemed that no matter what my time was (and it was always several seconds behind the other kids), the response I would get was, "That's good, for you." I always felt that they were saying, "If it was my time I'd be upset, but it's good enough for the handicapped girl." It just feels like a double standard, and I hate double standards.
One thing that each of them said, and I do appreciate it, was how much other people were failing also. Well, what's their excuse? I know I can avoid the painful runes and stand in the ones on Iron Council that increase my dps. I know how to do that and I've done it before. If I can't avoid a one-shot where I have warning, what right do I have to be there? If I can't contribute to the kill, I'm letting my guildies down, plain and simple.

Patch Day: Ulduar is here!

"Memories have left you broken, and the scars have never healed." - Three Doors Down, It's the Only One You've Got

Confirmation has come that patch 3.1 goes live today. I'm excited and worried at the same time.

Yesterday was a bad day on a lot of fronts, but a couple of good things happened as well. I finally got the achievement for Shadowmoon Valley quests on the lock, and when I was running through Ironforge with my pvp gear on to do the daily battleground, I got approached about a warlock/boomkin 2v2 arena team. I guess that will change my mind about dual spec on the warlock!

Yesterday morning I got a text message from my brother about my dad's blood counts after this round of chemo. Not good. The sadness most of the day was almost overpowering, or would have been if I hadn't had other things to distract me, like my husband coming home for lunch to discuss some business matters (probably could have waited, but never underestimate the lure of Easter leftovers).

So, raid time comes, Sarth 3D for the first time in about a month for me. That I can handle this fight at all without going to a corner and rocking after each attempt is an accomplishment; it is really overstimulating for me. Still, other than a little perceptual difficulties with void zones, I did okay. Unfortunately, although I did better than I have in the past, my dps isn't as high as it needs to be and we couldn't get Sarth down with any drakes up.

Well, I told myself I wouldn't edit out the rant, but I decided after my conversation with Orbitz and doing some soul-searching, that the rant wasn't necessary.

I Don't Live in Your World

The main feedback I get from guildies who read my blog (and ::::hugs:::: to each of you, I do appreciate it) is that I bring a different perspective to the game. I'm definitely not the typical gamer, and I'm especially not the typical raider, yet I am a raider, and I'm constantly fighting to improve.
Tuesday night, I shared with a friend the gains I'm making in dps and what I'm doing differently to get those gains. His response, "You really should be using hotkeys." I replied, "I've tried it, it hasn't worked."
Wednesday night, alt 10-man Naxx (well, 9 men and me lol). I get a tell, "You tried hotkeys yet?" What resulted was a heated debate in between fights about what I should be doing, that at one point degenerated to me asking "don't you *%#$ing trust me?" and no, I didn't use the symbols.
My brain is extremely unusual, and many times, even I don't know if something will work or not unless I try it. I keep what works, and change what doesn't. It is so easy for me to get into the "me vs. you" mentality with my guildmates and husband, and I try not to. After my little outburst, my friend apologized for upsetting me (raiding rule #1: don't piss off your healer) and explained to me his viewpoint. His points are valid, but what I'm doing is working for me. I can top the damage meters on boss fights in 5 mans now, and (ready, Dev?) I finally feel like I can go into Ulduar with my head held high.

The Myth of the {jerk} Raider

Sorry for the placeholder, but I'm attempting to keep this somewhat clean.
I never cease to be reminded of what good men the officers of my guild are. The druid is still undergeared, but keeps up with geared players in healing, yet the warlock is a constant struggle to have enough dps. I can have honest conversations with the guild officers about my struggles, triumphs, and what I'm thinking. There's no benefit to the guild if I switch to my healer, as we are not generally having a problem finding healers. I wait for the day a warlock app appears on the forum with a mix of anticipation and dread. I know that the competition of another warlock won't be as motivating as the chip on my shoulder, but it will help the guild to not always have to rely on me.
Had an interesting conversation yesterday with someone I've been in a couple of guilds with. During the conversation, the comment was made, "Raiders tend to be asses." A former GM of mine used to say that quite frequently. Of course, this is the same person that told me no other guild would make as many accomodations for me as hers did.
In my experience, most of the people who tend to scapegoat, stereotype, and generally be an ass are not the top echelon of players. There are plenty of elitists out there, including my husband, although I can keep him reigned in when we run together. With only a couple of exceptions, though, I've found most raiders to be decent, civilized, polite people. Yes, a raider will call you out if he or she sees where you can improve, but honestly, that's how you grow. Raiders also aren't likely to listen to excuses, but excuses are counterproductive. Share your challenges, swallow your excuses.

The Revolution of Rising Expectations

Last night, I was running some lower level instances on the shadow priest and was able to identify why warlock dots are easier for me to manage than shadow priest dots. With Vampiric Touch and Vampiric Embrace primarily dependent on Mind Blast damage, watching the cooldown timer as well as dot timers is essential (destro, anyone? yuck). Answers are coming slowly, but they are coming.
Yesterday, one of my guildies posted on our forums a video of a guy multiboxing 5 toons at once on a pvp server, doing arenas and running VH. Part of the time, he showed a cutaway of his hands hitting keys and moving the mouse and trackball. I was astounded at this guy's quickness.
I keep wanting to be able to do things as fast as a neurotypical person. In an effort to discourage botting, Blizzard has chosen to not allow any programs that automate key clicks, and has set in-game macros so each command casts simultaneously, rather than in sequence. This means that an extremely intelligent person with damage to the parts of the brain that control movement and reaction time can't find workarounds to give her consistent 3500+ dps. It's frustrating, but is it fair?
Life isn't fair. If life was fair, I wouldn't have to work twice as hard for the same results. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. Bitterness becomes the fuel that drives me to always look for new ways to improve. Bitterness is why I can be replaced on a boss kill and come back the next week just to show you that I can do it. There are very few people I allow to see the bitterness, and it would probably shock a lot of people to know how bitter I really am. In the end, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I am a better person for my experiences in this game.

Of Druids and Pugs

Yesterday, I finally got the druid to 80! I respecced resto, swapped out my gear, downloaded some healing addons, and took a break.
When I came back, I was hoping to finish a 10-man Naxx run, but we couldn't get it together, so while some of the guys went off to try 10-man Sarth with 3 drakes, I decided to pug some heroics to get gear. I could have asked, begged, and called in favors to get a guild run, but I really didn't want to do that for my first run out of the gate.
So I looked in Atlas Loot to see where there was gear that I needed, and joined looking for group. Then I saw someone in Trade looking for a healer for heroic Utgarde Keep. Utgarde Keep is the easiest heroic to run, so I thought it would be a perfect warm-up.
So, I join the group, and immediately the death knight inspects me and starts fussing about my gear and mana pool. I decide to drop, but Clique won't let me, so I ask in guild how to leave a party from the command line and explain the situation, while telling the party that if they aren't comfortable, it's cool. Healers are hard to find, so they decide to try it, and my guildies advise me to leave the party. I still can't do it, so I decide to stick it out. Get in the instance and the dk makes a comment about turning 80 yesterday and running Naxx last night. And he's fussing about my gear when he's never seen me heal, or manage my mana?
First pull, and so far, so good. Clique is super easy to use, although I realize right away that the keybindings are wrong for me. I can work with it though. Healing isn't a problem until the 3rd pull, when the tank lost aggro and we wiped. We get through those pulls and into the foundry-type room. The tank says, "Car, can you root square?" Figuring he knew what he was doing, stupid me said, "Sure". So he pulls, I root, I heal, I see AGGRO in red letters on my screen, I die. DK makes more snarky comments about me conserving mana, and I ask again how to leave a party.
I have never seen a group of people close ranks as fast as CRC did last night. I wasn't really upset, more annoyed than anything, yet the way my guildies reacted, you would have thought this guy insulted their mothers. It was such a contrast between the person who didn't even throw down a death and decay to help the tank hold aggro off the healer, and people who have mastered all the current content, yet aren't afraid to help a feisty disabled lady enjoy the game. I renewed my commitment to my guild last night. Whatever it takes, I'm there for them.

Damage Meters: Friend or Foe?

I have a love/hate relationship with the damage meter.
The damage meter is a useful tool for raid management and self-improvement, but can also be abused. People who find is necessary to post the damage meter to show how "leet" they are annoy me. Raid leaders who look at the damage meter above all else are, in my opinion, short-sighted.
At the end of the raid last night, Dev did something he doesn't usually do - he posted the damage and healing meters to guild chat. I think part of the reason he did that was to show how high our top dpsers were getting. What it showed me is that I did over 2k dps overall, which is huge for me. I also cracked the top ten in a couple of boss fights. I've worked so hard for that moment. I'm so excited!
I run a personal damage meter, but I don't look at it during fights or it would drive me crazy. Flip doesn't run one, so I will whisper it to him during the raid so he can look at how I'm doing, and make sure he's on target with what he wants to do. I would suggest using the damage meter as a tool to help yourself improve, but don't base your self-worth, or even your image of yourself as a player, on it.

I can't dance

So far, there have been very few challenges in Naxx that I haven't been able to overcome with hard work and positive thinking. The Safety Dance achievement in the Heigan the Unclean fight is one exception. By the time I got into Naxx, most of the guild had done the fight enough that nobody even bothered to explain it, leading me to believe that the eruptions were random. I've finally gotten frustrated enough to go to Bosskillers, and read about it (I know, I should have done that first, mea culpa).

Now I have some understanding of where the safe zones are and how to avoid the eruptions. The question comes, can I do it? And at the back of my mind is, does my challenge with this negate all the work I've done to rise above the tanks on the dps meter?

More to come...