Champion of Stormwind!

Every so often, I will decide that a quest or achievement is worth fighting for because of the gains available, or the similarities to raiding encounters. I decided that the Champion title was one of those things. It was not easy to get. Jousting requires a short reaction time and it was hard for me not to give up. Two things work in my favor here: (1) I'm stubborn, and (2) I have the support of my guild behind me. Thank you especially to Cinnas and Tidefury, for your advice and encouragement.
Something happened yesterday that shook me to my core, and at the same time made me realize just how special the people of Clan Redundancy Clan are. AbleGamers posted an article on Halo and accessibility, and it generated a firestorm of response from the XBox gaming community. I really don't want to dignify them by posting the bigotry and hatred here, but Mark Barlet's response that the disability community is easy to join was epic. After reading them, I was so angry, I just was ready to lash out at the first nondisabled person I saw (not a good idea when you're married to a nondisabled man). Instead, I logged on to WoW, and saw the people that understand that this is more than a game to me. As I explained to our newest guild member, who read my blog to try to understand the guild a bit better, my disability is not a secret in guild. I'm not sure how many of the guys truly understand what I deal with, but they know that I am not the typical gamer. As I laughed at their jokes, listened to how their day was, answered questions about Noblegarden and the like, I was reminded that there are good nondisabled people that really care. They restore my faith in humanity.
Special Note: Check out the World of Warcraft community site to see the link to Steve Spohn's article on the colorblindness UI interface, and a nice explanation of what AbleGamers is all about!

Breaking Inside

Last night's run, we had everyone invited, summoned and ready to go a few minutes ahead of start time. Yay CRC!
Leviathan went off without a hitch. I'm looking forward to trying a hard mode next week. Razorscale was difficult - we kept losing healers. I think I did okay, except I died a couple of times to consecutive fireballs. Targeting wasn't a huge issue, as I had a good melee dps in my group to set as my focus for my macro.
On to XT-002 Deconstructor, and my first time seeing it on 25-man as dps. No scrapbots got to him, so I feel like I did my job okay. My dps for the second and third bosses just wasn't there, though.
As we were getting ready to clear to Ignis, one of the DK's logged on and I was asked to step out. Not a problem, and they were able to one-shot him. I needed to do some farming for the cooking daily, so I was okay with it, although the rub is, would we have been able to one-shot him with me in there? I don't have the answer to that question.
Anyway, I finished the cooking daily, and picked up the tournament dailies, then went back to Ulduar to wait and see if I would be needed since we had a raid member leaving early for work.
I went back in for a Kologarn attempt. Again, this is not a fight I dpsed on, so it was a little different, I was on sensory overload the whole time, and my dps sucked. We got him down though, and I didn't die, despite Eye Beam (ty updated Deadly Boss Mobs).
On to Auriaya. We can get her, but it isn't easy, and we went through a lot of wipes to get it. In between attempts I get a tell from our mage telling me that if the Runescribe Blade dropped, he was passing on it to me. I trust our loot council, but I'm sure he's noticed me hold back from rolling on stuff because someone who is in more raids and does more dps than me wanted it. The blade dropped, I saw the stats and bonuses, and thought, "hell, yeah!" I used up my last Abyss Crystals to enchant it, but it was worth it.
Starting on time, downing six bosses the first night, and ending early is total win. Again, awesome job guys.
Keeping my spirits up and my attitude good is a constant struggle for me in Ulduar, especially when it's not going well. I know I don't do everything I should on the Auriaya fight, I can't. I've learned how to bury my negative feelings, act cheerful, and push through, but I keep struggling with whether I really deserve to be in there. I know how everyone feels about it, that isn't the issue. Sometimes I wonder if I should just disable recount, and not look at how I'm doing. WMO shows a more accurate picture anyway, it's just not immediate feedback. At the end of the night, all I can do is what I can do, and hope it's enough.

Stop making me cry!

A couple of really cool things happened yesterday.
When 3.1 first came out and I showed my son the colorblind user interface, his face lit up. I mentioned in my AbleGamers status message that I wished the developers at Blizzard could have seen his face, and the Editor-in-Chief of AbleGamers offered to relay a message to his contacts over there. Yesterday, I got an email that I had a private message from Ioo. It was a reply from Nethaera, one of the Blizzard developers, thanking me for my comments. That blew me away. Development in any MMO is a never-ending task, and Nethaera does a lot with the community site, so I know he's busy, and the fact that he took time to send me a well-written, personal reply says a lot.
The main group that had been going into Ulduar went back in, and I was overlooked on the initial invites. Things like that are very hard for me not to take personally. Luckily, someone was on to whom I could say, "I'm feeling sorry for myself and I don't know if I need a shoulder to cry on or a kick in the ass." Sometimes all I need is to get that out, and I can talk myself out of the mood and move on. So I went to Azure Watch to collect eggs to get items for the Noblegarden achievements, when after a bit, I get a tell from Cinnas, "Wanna hop in, or are you busy egging?" I don't say no to raids, so of course, I went in.
I come in and ask, "Which boss are we on?" Cinnas says, "Mimiron." I say, "Oh, $#!*." Octaester's guild was on their third night on Mimiron last night, and hadn't downed him when I went in.
Mimiron is a very technically challenging fight. I love technically challenging fights. We didn't get him down, but got through the first two phases and saw a good bit of phase three. Yay us, and grats Conviction on finally getting the kill.
After raid, I went back to egg collecting, and got into a conversation with Cinnas. I said the above phrase after he made the comment, "I wish most of our raiders had your attitude, hell, I wish I had your attitude." I choose the attitude I display to the guild. Oct is the only one who usually sees the rage. I do that for a couple of reasons. First, I play with mostly men primarily in their 20's and 30's, and most of them are single. It is very easy for men to dismiss women as emotional, even if they make a good point. (Don't tell me you don't do it guys, you know better and so do I.) Second, I don't have the dps to make waves. If I start getting pissy with the officers any time I'm replaced, I'm going to see "You have been removed from the guild by XXXX" in yellow letters on my screen. Third, what I do is the right thing to do, for me and the guild.
Cinnas then proceeded to ask me how jousting was coming, and try to brainstorm ways of making it more manageable for me, and we got on the topic of the Hodir fight, where he told me that he thought I did well. I need to hear that. It's so easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that no matter how much I improve, I still suck at this, and I don't. I am improving, and the guild is a big part of that. Most players will not get down into the minutiae of dealing with a disability like cerebral palsy, and I appreciate all the people who understand that sometimes I need encouragement, and sometimes I need a fresh set of eyes looking at the challenge.
This morning, Oct and I were chatting about last night, and I made the comment, "I'm so glad you suggested I apply to CRC. Did you know it would be like that for me?" He said, "Oh yeah, it's a great guild. I just needed to raid more." I don't think they will ever understand how special they are, but that makes them even more unique.

Fighting through the challenges

I haven't posted in a couple of days, because I was camping with my sons' Boy Scout troop this weekend. I had fun, but I'm a bit sore.
Last night there were 27 people signed up for Ulduar, so I wasn't sure I would be able to make it. A couple of people didn't show up, though, so I was in.
The Hodir fight is the one that, after hearing about Oct's experience on the PTR, I wasn't sure I'd be able to do. It's a lot of moving around, stuff to avoid with white-on-white graphics, and very little time to react. At one point, I was looking for another dps to come on, because I was feeling that I needed to be replaced. In the end, I concentrated on not getting frozen and keeping an eye on how much damage I took from icicles. Long story short, we got him down, and on our final attempt I got 3370 dps. It's definitely a credit to our healers that I stayed alive. Thank you Bast, Larry, Prynts, Alord, Rali, and our newest tree, Luna!
Thorim is an interesting challenge that we are still working on figuring out. One of the biggest challenges for any guild when working on difficult content is learning how to work together and avoid the temptation to scapegoat. It's not just one person, it's 25 people working together to master something. Remember, we're all in this together.

Subbing in and the Pouncing Pussy

Today's title is courtesy of my boy Squig, who never fails to make me laugh or smile, and completely proves wrong the saying that elite players are douchebags.
I ran 10 man vault yesterday with some guildies and some members of Just Wipe It and Aeon, who along with Conviction and Escalation, are fighting to see who will be the next guild on Turalyon to down Yogg-Saron. I had a great time, got warlock T7 and T8 gloves, and got to meet some great people. It's always hard to run with elite players I don't know, because I am afraid what they will think of me, but these guys are really cool, and I appreciated them being there.
Last night, when I finally got home, I went up to Icecrown to work on the Tournament dailies. The guild had already down Deconstructor and Kologarn, and I listened to the Ignis kill on vent. About an hour into it, I get a tell from Dem, "Wanna come in?" My answer was, "If you need me, hell yeah." The way my guildies reacted to me coming in surprised and touched me. I got cheers and hugs from the raid members, and a tell saying hi from Cinnas as soon as I joined the group. Sometimes when I write this stuff I feel like Sally Field: "You like me, you really like me." The truth is, however, that I'm not the person who tears up the dps meters. That my guildies are willing to understand my challenges and support me means the world to me.
Auraya is a tough fight, there is no two ways about it. If you can survive the pull, you can probably get through it. After the second wipe, Dem sent me a tell asking if I was glad I came, "Welcome to Death." I told him I was where I wanted to be. Yes, wiping is expensive, but I want to be with my guild hitting my head against the wall as much as I can.
After trying a few different ways to pull, we got it done, third new boss kill for Clan Redundancy Clan last night, yay! I died partway through, and couldn't top 2000 dps, but I was there.
After raid, Flip and I discussed my spec a little more, and I tweaked it again. There are a lot of new facets to playing an affliction warlock that I'm still getting used to, but I am getting used to them. I will say, as I continue to struggle, that there are times when I just want to throw my hands in the air and say, "forget it, I'm done, no more." I know there will be a boss before Algalon who will bring me to tears, even if he doesn't feed on them. What keeps me going is the combination of my love for raiding and seeing new content, and the support of my friends.

Getting Support from Your Guild

Tuesday's comments really made me think, especially the one from Soundbow. I've had different levels of choice about what to reveal about myself to the guild and its leaders (my husband, in a misguided attempt to protect me, has taken that choice away from me a couple of times - that's created some real life arguments). I've thought about my journey as a player for almost 3 years, and as a raider for almost two, and have come up with some ways to get support that I think are effective.

1. Do your homework. The only hand-holding I expect is to be told, "You can do this." I look at WWS/WMO reports like a madwoman, and I bounce things off of Flip and ask him questions constantly, but I don't expect him to tell me how to play my character. The forums at http://www.elitistjerks.com/ will tell you how the best of the best play your class, and give you a good starting point.
2. Let someone analyze your play, spec, gear, and glyphs, and do the same to them. I started asking Flip a simple question about seeing Shadowflame in the WMO report from the razorscale fight, and he ended up reminding me to pick up a couple of new glyphs, then told me where I'm leaving dps on the table. I know several very elite players, and they all love to talk about how to pwn at their class.
3. Share your challenges, swallow your excuses. The first time I did Bloodboil in BT as a discipline priest, I had trouble targeting the right person for pain suppression in time. One of the raid members said, " Make a macro /assist Gurtogg Bloodboil." It worked wonderfully. On the other hand, if your raid members are paying attention to not only what they're doing, but watching you, excuses won't work, so don't try.
4. Learn from your mistakes. Constructive critcism is your friend. Especially in new content, it takes time to get it right. There is no one who can't learn from others.
5. Tell your guildies what you need. One night on Archimonde, when Oct was still in CRC and I was still relatively new, I was healing the melee, where there wasn't much room to run. I realized that I was going to have a hard time avoiding the fires, and said so to Oct. He told me, "Let Dev know." Sent a tell expressing me concerns, and he replied, "Do I need to move you?" I said, "you might," and he did.
6. Know who to listen to and who not to. There are people in this game that can't see beyond themselves, and the advice they give is what works for them. If it doesn't work for you, take it with a grain of salt.
7. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be able to do. You know the challenges you face and what you need. If there is something simple that the raid leaders can do that will increase everyone's chances to succeed, they should be doing it.
8. If all else fails, find another guild. Leaving a guild is never easy, but if you are not in a guild where you are supported, you will be miserable. Sometimes it takes a little digging to find the right guild, but it can be done.

Surprising Myself

"And when the night is cold and dark, you can see, you can see light. And no one can take away your right to fight and to never surrender." Corey Hart, Never Surrender

Okay, so I'm showing my age. Generally, I don't quote 80's pop on here, but this is one that has been stuck in my head ever since Junior High because it says so much about living with a disability and depression. Also, the events of last night fit it so well.

Last night's raid started out with a little bit of stress and humor. Right after Dem came on and I'm sure was getting ready to invite, we get a message: "[SERVER]: Restart in 15:00." So we have a laugh, I finish eating supper and get on vent, and we all come back on once Turalyon gets back up. I get summoned to Ulduar, and go in, when my screen goes dark. I look down, and there's my dog sitting on the surge protector switch. To make matters worse, Oct isn't home, so I can't get him to send Dem a tell. Finally get the computer up, get back in, get a message "l2 tame pet" from one of the hunters (I love my guild), and get ready to grab my demolisher for Flame Leviathan. One shot, Baby!

On to Razorscale. Flask, eat, spellstone, imp, Fel Armor, healthstones, soulstone, worry. Remind myself of Dem's words, that I will do what I can and my efforts are appreciated. Listen to strat and where to stand. Go through a few attempts, surviving the active fights each time. Fourth attempt goes pretty well, I get a little bit of blue flame but with my own healing and healthstone, plus raid healing, I survive and we get her down. First kill for me and I survived! Send tell to Flip, "I did it!" I'm in loot council, so I try not to break down in tears. 15th on the damage meter isn't great, but it isn't horrible either.

Mount up and start heading for Deconstructor. Tell from Dem, "Hey girl, we need to bring in more punch for this one." No apologies, I like that. I reply, "np" and head to the portal. I say, "I survived." His response, "You did great." That is how it should be. Went to Icecrown for Tournament dailies and finally beat a Valiant! I'm getting there.

Looking at WoW Meter Online this morning, I had 75% dps time on our Razorscale kill. That's an improvement, but Flip did 85%. I'll never be as good as he is, but he makes a good target. I'm still not using shadowbolt enough, and I am having trouble with targeting the adds when Razorscale is in the air, but those are things that can be worked on fairly easily. I honestly thought that I could not do that fight, thanks to CRC for helping me prove myself wrong.