Two very awesome things happened yesterday. One is that I completed the daily to defeat four champions and the daily to defeat three vailiants in the same day! The other is that, with me on vent and in guild cheering them on, Clan Redundancy Clan defeated Mimiron! Grats guys, 11/14 Ulduar 3 weeks in.
I've been thinking about Dem's comment, that I'm feeling better about raiding, and in a way it's true and in a way it isn't. I feel better about my place in the guild and how much I can contribute, but what I have been saying for the past week about the physiological effects of raiding on me is also true. Dem's made it crystal-clear that the only way he will demote me to Social Member is for me to run a gauntlet of sorts, explaining to the guild that it is per my request, and then dealing with the inevitable feedback from the rest of the raiding core. At the same time, all is not lost. I can get over 3k dps on enough bosses that I don't feel like I'm being carried through content anymore.
Anytime we get new members in the guild, I wonder how they will react to me. It's hard for nondisabled people to differentiate between slow reaction time and not paying attention, and I always wonder if I will get yelled at for standing in something or not moving enough. I wonder if the question will come up, "What makes Carol special, that she gets to raid and doesn't get called on it when she takes more damage than she should?" I don't worry about the response to that question, but I don't want to see that kind of drama in guild.
I don't usually get called on stuff unless someone thinks I'm not seeing something, or my reaction time seems especially bad. Sunday I was having pretty severe cognitive problems, and one of the off-tanks whispered me asking if I was lagging. Bryan was due to leave for a trip the next day and I didn't want to worry him, so I was kind of a relief to be able to say, "Something's going on with my brain and I don't know what it is" to a friend. My bad days, like my disability, are an open secret. People notice, but usually don't say anything. My guild is a safe place for me, and I definitely appreciate it.
3 years ago